


Selv Du

by sunnyharley



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of heterosexuality, Miscommunication, SKAM Big Bang, SKAM Big Bang 2018, vegan propaganda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 03:05:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13848741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnyharley/pseuds/sunnyharley
Summary: “As Isak stands here watching his tall, beautiful boyfriend cook for him and his makeshift family he feels himself falling more and more in love with him. “Hey,” he smiles. When Even turns to look at him he sees a bright smile grace his face before turning back to stirring the pot on the stove…”





	Selv Du

Isak wakes up like he does every weekend: groggy and hungover. In his inebriated state last night he didn't consider that future Isak would really hate the bright, overbearing sun rays now filtering into his room. The light is piercing his eyelids and no matter how tightly he shuts them, his world is uncomfortably reduced to orange and red instead of the calm, soothing black he was used to. He considers suffering through the absolute agony of getting up to shut his curtains when he hears a buzz from his phone. 

Pulling it off the nightstand, he squints and sees Jonas' contact and thumbs it open. **Jonas:** Bro I'm outside the journalism building, where r u?

_Shit_. He forgot that he was supposed to meet with Jonas today about possibly editing some articles for the newspaper. Their last editor had recently graduated leaving Jonas to scour through several resumes before deciding _fuck it_ the stress wasn't worth it and just hired Isak instead. "I know Norwegian isn't exactly your area of expertise but you're smart so you'll have to do for now until I can find time to get a replacement." 

Isak had simply shrugged before replying, "Sure man no stress. It'll look good on applications anyways," he looked over at Jonas typing an email on his phone before taking another bite of his falafel. 

And that had been the end of that discussion. So now he has to make due on his promises which requires getting up (impossible), going outside (extremely debilitating), and meeting up with Jonas to do some work (conflicting interests but ultimately rewarding). Who knows, maybe they can have kebab for lunch later and it's that thought that influences Isak to sit up. Suddenly moving his body from a horizontal position shifts his entire world into _too much too much_ but he ignores the part of him desperately wanting to go back to sleep and stands up. He doesn't have time to shower but he does wipe the drunken sweat off his face in the bathroom so it's a small victory. He throws on some (mostly) clean clothes, nothing too fancy just some adidas sweats and his Simpson shirt. He doesn't have time to grab breakfast but he's too nauseous to eat right now anyway so it's fine. He toes on his sneakers, grabs his jacket, gropes his pockets to make sure he has his phone, keys, and wallet and promptly walks out the door. 

He makes it to campus sooner than he thought he would and sees Jonas's frame sitting on the steps from a few feet away. His big eyebrows furrowed as he concentrates on his phone. Isak smiles to himself and walks over, "I'm here."

Jonas looks up and immediately gives a head to toe glance over Isak's appearance, "You're hungover."

"You're very perceptive Jonas. You didn't see me last night? Of course I'd be hungover."

Jonas shrugs, "I thought you would've drank some water at least. Yknow, to pace yourself."

Isak makes sarcastic air quotes, "Pace myself? Have you met me ever?" He snickers before looking at the building behind him, "So are we going in or what?"

"Yeah," Jonas stands up and puts his phone away, and turns to go up the steps. "I'll give you the grand tour. 

They go inside the elevator and Jonas leans over him to push the third floor button. A few years ago that barely there brushing of shoulders would've gotten Isak's insides into a jumbling mess but now all he feels is extreme gratitude that the elevator works and they can avoid the stairs. Thank God for technological advancement. When the doors open Jonas steps out first, leading him towards a giant room with wall to wall blue carpet and sections of offices. 

"Okay so you already know most of everybody who works here," Jonas says. He points to the far left corner "that's the printer where we, yknow, _print_ our editions although I've been trying to get our school to go wireless to lessen our carbon footprint." He walks past a few cubicles, "You know Yousef, he writes the lifestyle and habitat column." Yousef is bent over his desk furiously typing but glances up to give Isak a warm smile before they walk past towards another cubicle. 

"Mikael here is our top photographer," Jonas gestures to Mikael who stops adjusting his straps to look up at them. Before they walk past Mikael asks, "Hey Jonas who's the new kid?" 

"He's here to replace Johann," Jonas replies, "Now that he's resigned himself to a life of corporate. I guess bending your morals for a capitalist employer was more important than-"

Isak interrupts him before Jonas talks Mikael's ear off about the evils of capitalist based labor, trust him he's heard that speech dozens of times already. "Hey," he raises his hand awkwardly in greeting, "I'm Isak." 

Mikael looks at him a little strangely before breaking into a grin, "It's nice to meet you Isak. I've just gotten back from meeting with some of the clubs here," he angles his laptop so Isak can see the different pictures on the screen, all filled with various people either smiling around a table or laughing on the university steps. 

He nods casually, aiming for interest, "Cool."

"I'm throwing a party next Friday, you should definitely come." 

Isak internally lifts his eyebrows in shock, he doesn't really know Mikael that well - or at all but it would be nice to know his new coworkers better. He nods and smiles, "Yeah okay. I'll friend you on facebook."

"Do I get a personal invite to this as well?" Jonas asks, his eyebrows somehow both judging and amused. 

Mikael turns his smile towards him, "Sure thing Jobro. You know you're always welcome at our place," he looks back at Isak then, "See you Friday Isak."

Isak smiles in goodbye as Jonas walks him around the floor some more, pointing out the differences between Brazilian and Colombian coffee beans that they currently have in the break room before they reach another cubicle. Isak can make out a quiff of blonde hair and a jean jacket which kind of reminds him of when he had to write a brief synopsis on famous Americans and he chose Elvis Presley. "And this here is Even," so not blonde Elvis then, "He writes about anything interesting going around on campus from good places to eat to game reviews. Lots of cool stuff to be honest."

Blonde Elvis, fuck, _Even_ just smiles brightly with all his pointy teeth on display before holding out his hand for Isak to shake. "Hi Isak, I'm Even."

Isak shakes his hand before turning to Jonas, "Geez did you tell _everyone_ I was coming?" 

Jonas only shrugs when Even replies, "We've only heard about it several times."

"Oh awesome." Isak half smiles half grimaces. He's too hungover to interact with beautiful men named Even with crinkly smiles and vampire-like teeth. 

Even laughs then and Jesus, can this guy get any more attractive, "Don't worry we've only heard good things." 

There's a slight lull in the conversation and it teeters on the edge of awkward but there's nothing Isak can do about that now. He's exhausted all his social skills and to be fair they were never that great to begin with. He bites his lip before Even asks, "So what are you studying?"

"Biochemistry."

Even whistles, "Wow that's impressive."

Isak shrugs, "It's okay."

"Even's a film major," Jonas offers. 

"Oh that's cool." Even _would_ be a film major. Of course he would. Damn he just can't catch a break. He sees a tiny hint of red flush over Even's cheeks before Jonas continues with, "But anyways we can all socialize and catch up during our lunch meeting yeah? Let me show you where you'll work Isak." And with that Jonas slings an arm over his shoulder, leading him to an empty cubicle. 

There's a school issued laptop placed on the desk and a black wheeled chair but other than that it's devoid of any sort of accessories. Isak sits down and spins side to side before immediately stopping. Holy fuck he regrets everything. Jonas only looks at him, "You need some water man."

"Yeah."

Jonas sighs, "Did you at least have breakfast?"

"No I didn't have time," Isak shrugs, "It's fine I'll get something before the meeting."

"Nah our lunch meeting is like, later in the week. We don't stay that long on Fridays to be honest. I just wanted to ease you in to how things are done first."

"It's fine," Isak opens up the laptop before clicking the mail icon, "I'll proofread some articles and then get something to eat it's not a big deal." 

Jonas pats his shoulder in goodbye and walks a few feet past Even's cubicle to go to his own. Isak turns back to his own screen and clicks on the first document he sees, an article from Yousef about wolf protection and the importance of sanctuaries. Perfect. 

 

*

 

Forty five minutes later Isak finds himself looking out the tram window fighting the urge to bend over in nausea. He was starving after editing and sending off so many documents back to their original senders that he forgot to go buy lunch and instead of spending twenty kroner on some subpar sandwhich he decided to chug a bunch of water instead. He needed to rehydrate anyways and besides he could always save some money _and_ eat at home. It seemed like a good idea too until the tram sloshed around all the water in his stomach. He wishes he had the brain cells to at least bring his earphones so he could distract himself from how he's feeling or better yet, grab a damn granola bar. But what's done is done. His stop is coming up soon anyways. 

He gets to his apartment complex and walks up the flight of stairs cautiously and then makes his way inside the flat. He hears a rerun of Skavlan while taking off his shoes by the door. He nods his head at Linn laying on the couch and walks in the kitchen to see Noora chopping lettuce. She turns around and smiles at him, "Hi," she says and goes back to chopping. 

"What are you making?"

She shrugs, her blonde hair shifting on her shoulders, "Just a simple soup."

"A simple soup huh? Sounds nice." Isak makes his way over to his cabinet looking for a quick snack to eat.

"Have you eaten yet?" 

"Nah," Isak scrunches up his nose and reaches for a protein granola bar in the cabinets. "Didn't have time, I was so busy rushing to meet Jonas on campus I didn't even think about it. I just chugged some water on my way over here." He's so busy unwrapping the bar and taking a large bite that he doesn't notice Noora eyeing him a bit strangely. 

"Well I'm still prepping the vegetables but did you want to make some rice to go with it?" Noora asks. 

Isak nods quickly before bending down to get a large pot out of the bottom cabinets, quickly filling it with tap water. It's all very nice and domestic. Isak, Noora, Linn, and Eskild have been living together for a few years now and they've become more like family instead of regular old roommates. A little over a year ago Isak became really stressed and wasn't eating properly until Noora noticed his weight loss. Now they make most of their meals together to share with everyone in the flat. Who knew that Eva's quiet skinny friend with bright red lips would end up becoming one of Isak's closest friends. 

"Have you seen Eskild today?" Isak asks while turning on the stove. 

Noora shakes her head no, "He texted that he's working but he'll be back tonight." 

Isak hums in response and leans back against the counter to watch Noora begin to chop up carrots and celery now. "That looks very healthy," Isak says before smiling. It's an inside joke of theirs. A year ago Isak didn't even know how to properly feed himself but Noora had shown him how to cook vegetables in a way that made them not only healthy but tasty too. He's come a long way from burning _water_ to making a few soups, rice bowls, and pasta dishes. 

"Oh of course." Noora smiles.

"And the boiling water is indeed organic right?" Isak asks as he pours some rice into the pot. 

Noora nods seriously, "Absolutely. Is there any other kind?" Her small smile betraying her. 

Isak huffs a small laugh before picking up a wooden spoon, stirring the rice so it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pot. 

 

They normally eat together but this time Isak doesn't feel up to it. After he cooked and strained the rice he went back to his room with a plan to sleep off his hangover for the rest of the night. He even managed to close his curtains before diving head first onto his bed, letting his warm blankets and duvet bunch up around him, lulling him into a much needed nap. What little light that drifted into his room is barely there anymore. The small lines in between the curtains show off a dark blue sky. He must've slept later than he thought. He considers rolling over and drifting back into unconsciousness when he hears a loud knock on his door and an excited voice going, "Isak little buddy, it's dinner time. Come on out."

Isak internally groans but slowly sits up to ask, "What time is it Eskild?"

"It's 22:00 Isak, you shouldn't be sleeping anyways, at least not before dinner. Come on Noora made dinner!"

Isak makes his way to his door and quickly opens it, "I helped make dinner too."

Eskild only smirks at Isak's grumpy demeanor, "I knew that would get you up. And yes little baby gay I know nine times out of ten you help Noora with the cooking."

"Okay," Isak says while walking in the kitchen, Eskild close behind him, "As long as you know that we both help."

They each pull out all the utensils cups and bowls they need, fill up their plates, and sit at the table to eat. Isak helped himself to two servings of rice and is wolfing it down while listening to Eskild animatedly talk about a guy he met up with last week who ran into him at work. "And I mean I'm obviously flattered you know because I've been told countless times before about how flexible I am but like, once we've already hooked up I don't really have an interest in doing it again you know?"

Linn and Noora both nod unenthusiastically while Isak wishes for temporary deafness. But of course God hates him so Eskild asks, "So anyways what's up with you guys? Noora did you ever download tinder like I asked you to?"

Noora sighs out an amused "Nei Eskild," continuing to eat. 

"Hvorfor ikke? Why not? You're a very pretty girl Noora, you could get a man like _that_ ," Eskild exaggerates his point by quickly snapping his fingers. "The best way to get over someone is to get under someone new, that's what I always say. And besides you seem a bit stressed lately you know? I know I talk a lot but I always notice what's going on and I really think some good dic-" 

Isak chokes on his spoonful of soup and starts coughing and spluttering. Jesus Christ. Linn hits his back a few times and Eskild, traitor that he is, turns to look at him now. "Isak now don't be such a prude. It's healthy to talk about these things you know." 

"Yes but," he coughs a few more times to clear his throat, "at the dinner table?"

Eskild only shrugs and continues eating while Noora mouths a quick thank you at him. "So how are you doing then Isak?" Eskild asks.

"Eh fine? I met up with Jonas today. He's teaching me to edit the schools articles."

"Oh yeah he texted me about that. How'd it go?" Noora asks. 

Isak furrows his eyebrows, "He did? It was fine."

Noora nods nonchalant, "Yeah I write for it too. The politics and feminism column." Eskild hugs her and coos, "Of course you do little peach. Good for you," he turns to look at Isak again, "And good for you too Isak. It's nice that you've got a new hobby now besides partying."

Isak scoffs, "I do _not_ just party Eskild!"

He nods, "Okay sure but now you can socialize without loud music and alcohol. It's more chill you know? Get to know people, get to hang out, who knows maybe you'll even meet someone you grumpy little boy."

"I am _not_ grumpy!"

"You're grumpy right now," Linn states quietly. Isak jerks his head towards her. How could she betray him like this? Traitors, all of them. 

"Ugh whatever," Isak rolls his eyes and slurps back the rest of his soup, gets up and puts the bowl in the sink. He turns to stare at his roommates, no, his personal _Judases_ and points a finger at them. "Goodnight." He begins to walk out of the kitchen when Eskild tells him "Sweet dreams baby grump," and starts cackling loudly when Isak flips him off. 

 

*

 

 

When Isak gets back to his room he has a hard time going back to sleep. It's fine though. He's not too worried about it right now. He knows the difference between having weird sleeping patterns vs becoming so stressed that it physically drains him while simultaneously not allowing his brain to shut off. It's okay, he can deal with this. 

He doesn't have any classes on Friday so he'll be spending his three day weekend catching up on assignments and studying for exams. He pulls his biology book off of his nightstand and rereads the chapter his professor said she would cover next week. He knows he's a nerd but he owns it okay? There's nothing wrong with reading ahead and familiarizing himself with the material.

He spends the next ten minutes reading but after a while his mind starts to drift off and replay his interactions with his new coworkers and before he knows it he's been reading the same sentence over and over. He can't help but feel like he could've tried harder when talking to everyone. Granted, he was hungover but still. He thinks about his conversation with Mikael, how he had looked at him a bit funny but then again maybe that was all just in his head. Sometimes he exaggerates things. 

Besides Mikael can't actually dislike him or anything. They don't really know each other. And Isak can't think of a time where he said anything vaguely problematic other than maybe defending Adam Sandler movies at a party once. Speaking of parties, he opens up his phone to text Jonas  
**Isak:** so is Mikael's party tomorrow?

**Jonas:** No next friday

**Isak:** Okay. Where is it? Should you send me the address or will we meetup and go there?

**Jonas:** Lets meetup at my place. My guy just hooked me up with some greens too, we'll smoke a little with the guys before we go. Sounds cool?

**Isak:** Yeah that's cool

 

*

 

Next week is a blur of school school library school sleep and more school. By the time Friday rolls around he's ready to just about fall into a sleep coma and never wake up but he avoids lying face down into his bed. Fucking hell his soft, warm bed... No. He can do this, he just has to fight through. He walks over to his closet and rummages through his clothes. He needs to change into something that will make him look nice. 

He settles on some dark jeans and a navy blue button up; it's casual but still looks alright. He's avoiding the thoughts of maybe Even being there, chalking up his need to look good on making a good first impression for his new coworkers and not the tall, attractive man with gentle blue eyes. He walks down the hallway to see Noora sitting on the couch texting while Skavlan plays in the background. He takes in her sleeveless red dress and matching lipstick before asking, "Do you have plans tonight?"

She looks up to smile at him, "Yeah Jonas invited me to Mikael's party. It's supposed to like, bond all of us journal writers you know?"

Isak nods, "I'm actually headed to Jonas' for a pregame if you want to join?" He thinks about the weed Jonas had planned for them, now hoping its in brownie form to avoid raising suspicion. 

Noora shakes her head, "Nei it's fine. I'll just meet you all at Mikael's." And with another smile she goes back to her phone, scrolling endlessly. 

Isak mumbles an okay and puts on his shoes and coat, checks his pockets for his essential phone, keys, and wallet and promptly walks out the door into the cold windy night. It's pretty chilly in Oslo but the wind pushing through his hair is more comforting than anything else. There's still a bit of light in the sky, a dark blue that almost matches his shirt and the street lamps cast a comforting warm orange glow on the sidewalk. Jonas doesn't live too far from his place so it's only a quick ten minute walk; he thinks about his plans for tonight at the party. Obviously he wants to leave a good impression on his new coworkers since the last time he saw them he was monumentally hungover and it definitely showed. Isak isn't the most talkative person; out of his friend group Magnus had always been the "life of the party" taking shots and making jokes but Isak has always been a bit reserved. He still likes to have fun and drink, don't get him wrong, but he's never been the center of attention. He supposes that's probably a good thing. 

When he walks up to Jonas' place he rings the doorbell twice and only waits a minute before being let in with slapped handshakes and mumbled _hva skjer's_ from the boys. He sits on the couch next to Jonas and opens up a beer saying, "Noora said you invited her to Mikael's." 

Jonas' eyebrows scrunch up a little before replying, "Yeah she's staff too right?" He hunches over and starts rolling up a decent sized blunt on the coffee table. 

"Hmm yeah but does she know what we're gonna get up to at this pregame?" He huffs a laugh when Jonas gives him a pissy look. "I guess what she doesn't know won't hurt her." 

Jonas shrugs, "We've been talking about a few key political subjects on weed and its benefits but nothing beyond that. I even recommended a few documentaries on America's racist prison to pipeline system and how it treats black smokers vs their white peers. It's so messed up how capitalism plays a part in ruining so many innocent lives due to its corporate greed and-"

"Okay," Isak holds up his hands before he goes into another tangent on capitalism and white supremacy in the US, "So I'm guessing you haven't then."

Jonas shrugs, "I was working up to it."

Magnus walks into the living room with a handful of ostepop bags and tosses some on the table before opening one for himself. He eats a handful of chips before talking with his mouth full, "How many girls are gonna be at this party?"

Mahdi shakes his head, "It doesn't matter if you don't have any game, man." He huffs out a laugh and sips his beer.

"Hva fæn?! I have game!" 

"Keep telling yourself that," Mahdi replies.

"What? I do! And besides Isak is coming."

Mahdi shakes his head, "What's that got to do with anything?"

Magnus rolls his eyes as if it should be obvious, "Well he's gay so it'll help my chances with girls since he's the most attractive guy here." The room rings with collective groans from all of them. 

"Thanks Mags I appreciate the compliment," Isak smirks before ripping open a bag of his own non branded popcorn from his backpack. 

Mags only rolls his eyes in response, "Okay whatever don't get all cocky. I'm just saying like, if girls approach him first and _then_ me, it's more likely to happen."

Jonas asks, "What's more likely to happen?"

"Getting laid," Magnus exclaims, as if it should be obvious. It's really not though considering his track record. Isak tells him this much only to get hit by østepops for his troubles. 

They all take a few good hits of Jonas' blunt and once they're properly feeling some effects they stub it out to save for later, put they're coats and shoes on, and head for Mikael's party. 

 

*

 

By the time they make it the party is already in full swing. It's crowded and very heated from the mass of drunken bodies chatting and swaying to the too loud bass beat. Magnus heads straight to the kitchen, high fiving a few people along the way. Isak tries his best to tamper down the anxiety he feels bubbling up in his stomach. He'll never tell the boys this but Isak sometimes feels a little overshadowed. He's always kept to himself and if it weren't for Jonas being so easily sociable he probably would never try and break out of his shell. But this is good, he tells himself. He follows Magnus to the kitchen and heads to the counter filled with various alcohol and mixers. He repeats his mantra, his plan, on being likeable to his new coworkers, and tries to relax when he feels someone on his left side step close to him. 

"What are you making?" The low voiced man asks, and _hello_ Isak is already half horny but half terrified when he turns to look up at Even softly smiling at him. 

"A rum and coke. Well," Isak scrunches up his nose in frustration, "it's more rum than coke at this point."

Even slowly nods, "Nice. Did you just get here?"

"Yeah we pregamed at Jonas' place." Isak takes a few awkward sips before asking, "So what about you? When did you get here?"

"About two years ago," Even huffs a laugh at Isak staring at him confusedly, "Mik's my best friend and roommate so yeah, I've been _here_ technically at this party for two years. It's complex. Don't try and question it." Even winks at him. 

"Okay I won't," Isak gives a small smile before fiddling with a loose thread on his jeans. 

"Where'd your friends go?" 

Isak looks back up at Even before glancing around the kitchen and living room. Jonas is in the corner talking to some red headed girl in thick, hipster like, rimmed glasses while at the beer pong table Magnus is competing while Mahdi laughs, cheering him on. "They're around, you know, socializing." Isak shrugs nonchalantly, "It's all good." 

Even has a small smile on his face and opens his mouth to respond when Mikael enters the kitchen, heading straight for the fridge. "Hey you guys look real cosy! Mind if I join you?" He doesn't wait for a response; he only leans on the opposite counter, observing them, and pops open his beer. 

"You don't have anywhere else to be Mik? Shouldn't you be entertaining your guests?" Even says with a fake friendly smile. Why does he look mildly irritated all of a sudden?

Mikael only huffs out a confused laugh, "Why should I? This isn't even my party." He leans his head back to sip more beer.

"Wait, what? But you said this was your party. Yknow, for all of us on the newspaper to get together?" Now Isak is confused. 

Mikael smirks at his feet when Even rushedly responds, "What he means is," Even runs his hands through his hair to...buy time? "In a way isn't this everyones party?-" Mikael snorts while Even ignores him to continue with, "Because we're all coworkers now, technically and like, we should just," he shrugs halfheartedly, "get to know each other."

Isak furrows his brows looking at Even's neutral friendly expression and Mikael biting his lip, still smiling at the ground. "Right," he says suspiciously. 

"So yeah! Anyways do you know Isak's major? Biochemistry. Isn't that cool?"

He hears Mikael whistle and he glances up to see Even's raised eyebrows. He can't help but feel a bit giddy every time someone asks about this topic. This is what he's good at. "What about you, Mikael?"

"We're both film majors."

Woah that's pretty cool. Isak says that much before Mikael shrugs, "It's been alright. Although Even here is a fanatic when it comes to certain um, projects." He feels like he's missing out on some kind of inside joke when Mikael laughs at Even rolling his eyes. He turns to look at Isak's curious expression before replying, "My major project this year is worth fifty percent of my grade and between that, and the newspaper, I've been really busy." He looks at Mikael and sarcastically rolls his eyes. 

"So how do you like working with us, Isak?" Even asks. 

Isak smiles, "It's been good. Granted, it's only been a day but yeah I'm liking it." He takes a few sips of his drink.

"That's nice," Even's voiced enveloped in warmth. 

Isak doesn't really know how to respond to the kind look Even is giving him and in the end he doesn't have to because a loud crashing sound echoes from the other side of the room. "Shit," Mikael sighs, "That's my que to go." Before he leaves he turns around to smile and nod at Isak, "It's been nice talking to you Isak." 

"You too." He watches Mikael nod again and leave. It's quiet in the kitchen again. Isak bites his lip, not knowing what to say. He drinks from his cup some more to buy himself some time when Even asks, "Do you smoke?" He watches Even pull a blunt out of his pocket. Isak nods. 

Even smirks before asking, "Wanna head up to my room then?"

 

*

 

They're lying near Even's window, taking turns puffing the joint back and forth. And every time Isak's fingers accidentally brush against Even's he feels his face heat up. He can only hope that Even doesn't see it. 

"How'd you get into writing?" Isak asks quietly, not wanting to ruin the softness that's washed over them in the quiet room. 

Even turns from the window, "You know how when you were a kid and every time you did something you thought was cool you would turn to your parents and say _look at me look at me_? Well I never grew out of that phase."

"So...you wanted people to pay attention to you?" 

Even shrugs, "I just felt like I had something to say and wanted people to listen." He grabs the joint back from Isak's outstretched hand. "What about you? Why did you want to join the newspaper? I know you only edit and review our articles but-"

"-Jonas just needed someone to fill in." Even raises his eyebrows curiously and Isak only shrugs, "I like it though. It's nice reading other people's stances on issues or what they believe you know?" 

Even nods. "That's why I'm majoring in film. I like getting to understand people and create a new world view."

"Oh," Isak snaps his fingers in remembering their earlier conversation, "Like that project you're working on?"

A slow smile spreads across Even's face, "Yeah my project. But don't even bother asking about it cuz it's a secret." He winks before taking another hit. This man is trying to kill him, honestly. _Can a person blush to death_?

There's a lull in the conversation again but it's surprisingly not awkward. Usually Isak would either squirm uncomfortably and try to make small talk, which he _hates_ , or he'd try and leave the situation altogether but this feels different. He feels a calmness wash over him and, sure it might just be the weed kicking in, but Isak is also sure that it's just Even's presence too. Thinking back on an hour and a half ago he was so anxious about coming here, wanting to make a good first impression and now he's just blissfully chill. 

"I'm super chill right now," he says to Even. 

"Yeah?" 

Isak nods in response. "Yeah."

Even's gaze darkens and he proceeds to take one last hit from the jay, stubs it out in a nearby coffee mug, and looks up from between his lashes before blowing a cloud of smoke towards Isak. Isak simply stares back dumbfounded when Even laughs at him.

"Stop laughing at me," He frowns. Apparently it makes Even do the complete opposite because he only laughs again. "What?" 

Even shakes his head and smiles, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" Isak skeptically raises his eyebrow.

"Yeah, nothing." 

He stares at Even's calm, neutral demeanor before Mahdi texts a picture in the groupchat of Magnus leaning against the wall talking to a girl in a black shirt with long blonde hair. She kind of looks like those dancer chicks the boys used to thirst after. The caption reads **Mahdi:** our boy is finally out here getting some. 

**Jonas:** should we really be congratulating him in a way that sort of imposes double standards? I mean I'm all for sex positivity but hookup culture is still mildly sexist

**Mahdi:** okay but I'm not being sexist tho? I'd congratulate mags on hooking up with someone even if he was a girl

**Magnus:** I'd make a pretty hot lesbian

Isak huffs a laugh and rolls his eyes at Magnus' text. Fucking hell. 

**Jonas:** bro serr?

**Mahdi:** see now you've got him started lmao

**Magnus:** ok ok I'm sorry but anyways has anyone seen Isak? I want him to see this

**Mahdi:** why would you want him to see you hooking up? 

**Magnus:** assdfjjkjjb jeg vet ikke! I don't know! I was just wondering

**Isak:** har du en exhibisionist kink mags? lol

**Magnus:** the fuck? no I was just curious where you are

**Mahdi:** where'd you go man?

**Jonas:** *thinking emoji* 

**Isak:** I'm just hanging out with someone

**Jonas:** you're hooking up? 

**Magnus:** shiiiiiit our bro is with another bro!! good for you Isak

**Mahdi:** *thumbs up emoji*

**Isak:** Ugh

He puts his phone away, rolling his eyes to see Even looking at him curiously. A smile slowly spreads across his face, "Having fun?" 

Isak shakes his head, "it's nothing important." He hears more pinging sounds from his pocket and rolls his eyes in exasperation. "I guess I have to go back out there."

Even hums, "Must you?"

"Yeah." He stands up and awkwardly wipes his hands on his pants. He sticks his hand out, "It was nice getting to know you, Even." 

"You too Isak," Even shakes his hand, a warm smile on his face. Fuck he's too pretty it should be illegal. 

He gives a small wave while walking out the door and checks his phone. It's mostly texts from the guys egging him about his "mysterious new friend" and instructions on how to put on a condom _fucking seriously mags?_ and a few pics of the various things drunks are doing at the party. That's all well and good but he's hungry now, famished actually, so he walks over to the concessions table and grabs a handful of chips in one of the bowls and munches on them. 

It's then that Yousef walks over to him, closely followed by Mikael. "Hey Isak."

Isak quickly chews and swallows the remaining chips in his mouth and clears his throat, "Hey man, what's up?" 

Yousef smiles and gestures to Mikael. "You have to settle something for us. Which Spider-Man movie was the best one, the one in 2002 or 2012?"

Before Isak can open his mouth to answer Mikael interjects, "Obviously the one in 2002 man, it's a classic." He shrugs, "Sure the graphics are a little outdated-"

"-A little outdated? Only a little bit?" 

Isak then spends the next ten minutes being the moderator between Yousef arguing about how Andrew Garfield is a better actor than that other boy who thinks squishing his face is a talent - you mean Tobey Maguire? - and whether or not good CGI makes or breaks a film. Isak debates less and just enjoys having a good time laughing and getting to know his new coworkers and when he walks home later he's content with having made a good impression and having fun.

 

*

 

He doesn't do much that weekend other than hole up in his room playing video games and binge-watching netflix so that monday when he goes to the journalism building section and blearily stands in front of the coffee machine waiting for a hot cup, he doesn't notice Even walking up to him. "Rough weekend?" He smiles.

Isak slowly shakes his head, he isn't exactly a morning person and without his coffee he's fucked. "Nei, I didn't drink or anything if that's what you mean. I'm just tired still." It's then that the coffee machine slowly drips out a steady stream of coffee, _liquid gold_ Isak thinks to himself, and he picks up his cup and inhales. 

"Having fun?" Isak can hear the amusement in his tone of voice.

"Don't laugh at me, I'm tired," he proceeds to take a sip and has to make a valiant effort to not let out a moan. Shit, that's fantastic. He murmurs around the cup, "I really love coffee."

"Me too. Although probably not as much as you." He offers up his hands placatingly when Isak squints his eyes at him. "Still not judging you though!"

Isak only purses his lips before getting back to drinking. 

"And besides, you'll have to hurry. Jonas will come in here any minute now and start talking about how k cup machines use too much waste and how it'll end up in a landfill-"

Isak splutters and quickly swallows his mouthful of coffee before bursting out in laughter. "Fuck, he would say that wouldn't he? Or he'd mention boycotting companies that exploit workers in like, Peru." 

"Right? He mentions that a lot. It's nice to work with someone who's so politically conscious though." 

Isak drains the rest of his cup, then puts it in the sink before asking, "So anyways how was your weekend?"

"Fine," Even shrugs. 

"That's it? Just fine?"

Even nods, "Just fine. I got a lot of work done though, sifted through some advice emails and speaking of I was wondering if you'd like to offer any opinions?" Even's biting his lip now.

Isak shrugs and nods and watches Even become visibly less tense now for some reason. "Yeah I mean I guess I could help you out, but just know that my usual advice to any situation is to just like, break up with him."

Even huffs out a confused laugh and shakes his head, walking out of the break room and heading towards his cubicle. "Break up with him? Really? So if someone asks which hair dye is and isn't professional for a job interview you'd say..."

Isak shrugs again, "To break up with him, yeah." He stands in front of Even and watches him log in to his emails on his work computer. He mumbles under his breath, "That's crazy."

"Huh? That's what?" Isak asks, goading him on. 

Even takes the bait, "That's a strange thing to say Isak." He bites back a smile and adds, "And it's not very good advice either."

"What? Nei! It's good advice! I'm the _master_ of giving good advice." 

Even only hums noncommittally. "Okay pull up a chair then, advice master."

Once Isak does he scoots closer to the screen to read the first email. His eyes dart back and forth, quickly scanning the two paragraphs while also being very aware that Even is blatantly staring at him now. It makes him self conscious but he powers through. "Okay so, this girl needs help with her sexuality?" He turns to look at Even nodding. "Right, well I guess my advice would be to just...go with your gut?" 

Even stares at him even more intensely now, "But how does it make you feel? Because I read it and of course realizing you like both men and women can be surprising at first but ultimately rewarding-"

"-Rewarding?" Isak asks.

Even nods, "That you can accept it. And that even though it defines you it doesn't necessarily encapsulate everything you are as a person."

Isak smiles but it feels more like a grimace, "Yeah you're more eloquent with words I think but yeah, I definitely agree." 

Even smiles brightly then where Isak can see his sharp vampire teeth. "I knew you would." 

A small blush makes its way onto his cheeks; he doesn't really know how to respond to that. "So uh, just tell her that she doesn't need to freak out. It'll be fine, Norway is a pretty accepting place."

"But that doesn't mean discrimination can't happen though, because when I came out I had to deal with a lot of weird invasive questions from complete strangers." 

Isak finds himself automatically nodding before his brain catches up to what Even just said. "Hmm. Wait what?"

Even stares at him blankly, "When I came out? As bisexual?"

Fucking hell yes he's an idiot, of course that's what Even meant. It literally related to their entire fucking discussion and -wait. Even is bisexual. Bisexuals like men and women. Which means he could potentially like _Isak_ because he is a _man_ and -hang on Even is looking at him funny. Almost guarded now and then it occurs to Isak that it's been a good moment or two since he's said anything and oh God, now Even is probably assuming that Isak is some kind of homophobe, or biphobe in this sense, which he definitely is _not_ thank you very much and shit he needs to say something quick and convey his inner thoughts into a coherent sentence that implies that being bi is a-okay and now he looks at Even furrowing his brows -"That's fine."

"That's _fine_?" 

Isak nods frantically, "Yes. Bisexuality is totally a real thing and it should definitely be respected. I mean, one of my best girl friends is bi and she's awesome." If Isak could slap himself in the face without looking like a crazy person he would. He sounds like those weird straight people who would always tell him when he came out _you're gay?? that’s so cool! what I said earlier still wasn't homophobic though, I know two gays_. From the looks of it Even probably thinks so too. He's gotta fix this shit, fast. He can't offend someone, especially a hot someone, it's too early for this mess. 

He clears his throat saying, "Sorry, I'm not usually this stupid in the morning but anyways what I meant to say is that bisexuality is real and valid." He gives a small smile, hoping to convey his true feelings on the issue. He briefly contemplates telling Even that he's also into men but he still wants to keep it under wraps. He's not ashamed or anything, it's just nobody's business. Even shrugs and smiles, "It's fine Isak. Really." 

Isak bites his lip, "Yeah?"

Even follows the movement with his eyes and his turn dark for a second before turning to the screen and types a reply, "Yeah." 

"Are you gonna tell her what we talked about? That it doesn't define you but you should be proud anyways?"

Even turns to give a radiant smile at him, "Yeah, I am."

Alright then. Despite being almost problematic he managed to not fuck up for once. 

 

And that's how he and Even become friends. Pretty much every morning starts the same: he drags his lifeless body into the break room for instant coffee, takes slow sips while listening to Even talk about movies, or a new tv show he's started binge watching, or something funny Mikael did. And it makes Isak less grumpy before he starts editing people's articles. And before he knows it, he actually looks forward to coming here. 

It's lunch time and Isak is standing in the break room leaning against the counters, slurping his ramen. He read an article a while ago that said that sitting down is the new smoking so he's trying his best to not be a half-sentient potato anymore. He watches Even walk into the room and head for the cabinets above the small sink, opening them to pull out a few chocolate chip cookies from a tin. He takes a small bite before stretching his arm out, offering one to Isak. "Want one?" 

Isak shakes his head, "Nei takk. Is that all you're having for lunch?"

"I brought a ham sandwich too that I'm saving for later." Even shrugs, taking another bite. He nods at Isak's lunch, "Yours looks better than mine though." 

Isak only lifts a smug eyebrow in response, and continues eating. He swallows a noodle, "It's homemade ramen," he looks up to see Even raise his eyebrows impressively, "It's got mushrooms, carrots, spinach, and little baby corns. See?" He carefully uses his plastic gray chopsticks to hold up a small baby corn before tossing it in his mouth. He chews slowly when Even asks, "Where's the egg?" 

"Hmm?"

Even gestures to his food, "Where's the egg? Ramen usually has eggs or fish in it right? Did you eat it already?"

Isak shakes his head, "I'm vegan." 

"Wow," Even leans back in surprise. "That's interesting. So you don't eat meat right? Like a vegetarian." 

"Yeah, I don't eat meat or any other animal products like milk or butter or cheese." He takes advantage of Even thinking over what he just said to slurp up some more noodles. 

"Huh," Even leans back, placing one foot on the bottom cabinets behind him. "That's really interesting," he gestures to Isak's food again, "So what do you eat besides ramen?"

"I eat pretty much everything you do, except in vegan form."

Even raises his eyebrows, "Can you eat pizza?"

Isak huffs a small laugh at Even's varied facial expressions, "Ja Even, I eat pizza. I have ice cream, burgers, pasta-"

"-Can you eat cheese toasties?"

Isak pauses to tilt his head, considering that. "No since it's made with real cheese I don't eat it." 

"Do you ever miss it though? I love cheese toasties. I load mine up with a bunch of spices like cardamom, rosemary, and cinnamon."

"Do those spices even _go together_?" Seriously who is this guy? Even stops eating his one remaining cookie to press his hand against his chest dramatically, "Isak I'm offended. Of _course_ they go together, I'm a phenomenal chef." 

Isak rolls his eyes, "Okay sure."

"Do you miss brunost?"

"I don't miss anything, Even." His mind is instantly filled with the soft brown eyes of his mother making him an open faced brunost smorbrod before bed. He used to wash it down with a glass of milk, his mother running fingers through his hair, gently talking about fairies or trolls or other made up creations. He doesn't think of his mother often, but sometimes a memory will seep into his brain making him remember how his childhood used to be before it all went to shit. He looks up from his food to hear the soft taps of heels and sees Noora round the corner and enter the break room. 

She gives a small smile to each of them and opens the fridge to get her lunch. "Hva sjker? What're you guys talking about?" Isak watches her put her food in the microwave and he only replies when she turns to face them, "Nothing much." 

He looks down at his feet, suddenly not feeling up to keeping the conversation going. Luckily Even intervenes, "What are you having for lunch?" 

"Oh, ramen." 

Even looks at her, confused "Really? Do you and Isak coordinate your lunches or is it just a coincidence?" He huffs out a small laugh and takes the last bite of his cookie. 

"Well, it's actually leftovers we're eating." 

"Leftovers?" Even asks between swallows. 

"Mmhhm," the microwave dings and Noora turns around to get her food before turning back to face Even. "We made a lot of food for dinner last night so now we have to get through all of it." 

Even looks almost constipated now as he asks in a low voice, "So you went to his apartment or...?"

"Vi bor sammen," she then turns to Isak. "Har du any chopsticks?" He shakes his head in apology. "Didn't think about it to be honest, I'll bring some on thursday though." 

Noora waves her hand as if to say _don't worry about it_ , "I'm sure we'll eat all of this before then," she laughs brightly and walks towards a box on the counter closest to Even and reaches for a plastic utensil. "So where's your lunch Even?" 

Even attempts a friendly smile at Noora, but from where Isak's standing it looks more like a grimace. "I ate it already."

"Really? Just cookies? That's not a balanced meal Even, at least try some of my lunch." She holds up her plastic fork of noodles and carrot but Even just smiles again and shakes his head. "I'm fine, honestly. But yeah!" He claps his hands together, "Now that I'm finished I'm gonna get started on next weeks article. I'll see you guys later, yeah?" And he promptly walks out the door. 

Isak watches him leave. 

"What was that about?" Noora asks between slurping her noodles, her red lipstick surprisingly still in place. Isak shrugs in response. 

What _was_ that about?

 

*

 

Isak doesn't have time to find out what's going on with Even. He's as busy as Isak seems to be but sometimes Isak feels like he's faking it. He walks past Even's desk at least twice a day to go to Jonas' and every time he looks at Even he seems to be staring at his computer screen but lost in space. It's strange. These last few days in the building have been awkward. It's weird because for once Isak wasn't the one to be socially inept and also? Even seems so...subdued around him and he can't figure out why. 

Maybe it's because Isak disclosed that he's vegan. It wouldn't be the first time that someone has treated him like a weirdo for what he chooses to eat, or in this case _not_ eat. As if it's so strange. But Even doesn't seem like the type to be judgmental so what could it be?

He leans back in his deskchair and closes his eyes to give them a break from his bright screen when he suddenly hears fast footsteps walk past. He looks up to see Even heading for the breakroom. _Now is his chance_ he thinks to himself before getting up and cornering -following- him in the small room. 

"Hey." 

Even looks up from filling the electric kettle with water from the sink. "Hey. I was just uh, getting ready to make some tea." 

"Oh yeah?"

Even nods, getting everything set up. "Yeah, green tea. Want some?" Isak shakes his head. "Oh well, that's fine too I guess." 

Isak takes in his closed off expression and tight shoulders. "So like," he coughs awkwardly, "Are we good?"

"Of course, Isak." He turns to look at him, somewhat honest blue eyes staring into confused green. "I've just been," he waves his hand in the air, "busy you know? But I'm good now." He nods as if trying to convince /himself of this fact more than Isak.

He decides not to push it now that he and Even have somewhat just made up so he changes the subject. "Me and the boys were going to hang out at _Rød Larsen_ tomorrow. You wanna come?" Even leans back in surprise; Isak continues, "it'll be very fun and very chill." 

Even smiles then, "Yeah okay."

 

And that's how Isak wound up hanging with his friends at _Rød Larsen_ and risking getting a neck injury every time he turned around to look at the door, looking for when Even would show up. After the fourth time he looked only to turn back around, sighing in disappointment did Jonas say something. "Chill man," Jonas huffed out a laugh, "I'm sure he'll be here." 

"But what if he's not though?"

Jonas looks at him for a few seconds before asking, "You like him don't you." His tone implied to Isak that it wasn't even worth hiding it or lying to him. He cringed. "Is it that obvious?"

Jonas shrugs then, "Kind of."

Magnus turns around from talking to Mahdi to ask, "Wait who likes who? What're we talking about."

Isak groans into his hands then, "Nobody, Mags."

"No way, hva fæn. You like someone?" 

Isak shoots up to give him a murderous glare. "Nei. I don't like anybody, alright? Just drop it!"

Mahdi interjects, "Your face looks a little red though." Fucking hell Mahdi. 

"It's the alcohol." Isak lies. "Look just don't say anything okay? We never had this conversation."

It's right then that Even enters the bar, looking around until he sees Isak and the guys, and walks towards them. "Hei." God, why is this man so beautiful? And _tall_ , what the hell? His fucking neck is cramping from gazing up at him. It might have something to do with him turning and craning to look back at the entrance every ten seconds but that's not important. 

"Hey," Isak says then. "Come sit, you want some of my fries?" He watches Even pull up a chair directly to his left before taking a few of his fries, smiling at him in thanks. "Am I late?"

"Nah we haven't really ordered yet." He takes a sip of his beer and nods towards the bar, "You getting a beer?" 

Even shakes his head. Glancing at the menu he says, "I might get the lamb burger." He pauses then, "Are you okay with me eating meat in front of you?"

"Uh yeah, sure?" Isak's brow furrows in confusion, "Why wouldn't I be okay with it?"

Even shrugs, "I just didn't know if it would like, offend you."

Oh Jesus. He laughs a little at Even's concerned face, "It's totally fine, Even. I promise I'm not offended. My friends," he gestures at Jonas, Magnus, and Mahdi at the end table, "all eat meat and I've never once gotten upset." 

Even nods. "Okay." He turns to look back down at the menu and Isak looks to see Magnus staring at first Even, and then Isak, and then back and forth to the both of them before a slow smiles breaks across his face. Isak scowls and slowly shakes his head. He swears to God if Magnus calls him out... 

But Magnus doesn't say anything, just winks at him and starts talking about his latest attempt to woo a girl in his economics class. "I think I've just about laid the trap."

"The trap?" Jonas asks. 

"Yeah, like, I've pretty much reeled her in." 

"Reeled her in?" Mahdi asks sarcastically. "She's not a fish, bro."

Magnus sighs in frustration, "The point is that I've been talking to her a lot and making her think that I'm this elusive, suave kinda-"

-Everyone suddenly starts snickering at this. From the corner of Isak's eye he can even see Even bite his lip to try and hold in his own laughter. Magnus squaks in indignation, "What? You guys shouldn't laugh at me okay, I'm suave!"

Isak asks, "You sure about that?"

Magnus rolls his eyes, which _hello_ , that's definitely something he picked up from Isak. "You just haven't really seen my skills on campus."

Mahdi sips his beer before replying, "That's cuz you don't _have_ any yet." 

Isak sits back and watches Jonas and Mahdi crack a few jokes at Magnus' flirting skills, or lack thereof, before Jonas starts to give genuine good advice about mutual respect and gender equality. Both are important topics obviously but geez. He only took _one_ gender studies class and suddenly he's now an expert on feminism? He tells Jonas as much and gets a friendly flipped bird in response. He bursts out laughing and turns to watch Even look on at the boys conversation. 

"Glad you came out here tonight?" Isak asks.

Even nods and turns to give another one of his thousand watt smiles at him. "Yeah I am. Thanks for inviting me." He bumps into his shoulder as a thank you and Isak's entire left arm suddenly feels really warm all over when luckily their waitress finally approaches their table. After everyone places their order the boys move the topic of conversation to a new hangout spot in Grünerlokka when Even shifts in his seat to stare at Isak directly. He lets him get his fill for about ten seconds before he turns to ask, "Why are you staring at me?"

Even shrugs. 

"That's not a very good excuse." 

"Never said it was." Isak rolls his eyes at how casual Even is being about this. "Did you wanna ask me something?"

Even looks at him curiously, "I'm just wondering if you're really going to enjoy eating a veggie burger."

"Pfft, you don't think I'll like it?" 

"I guess I was wondering if it would be good or not."

Isak is suddenly hit with a burst of confidence and raises his eyebrow, "What. Did you wanna see me eat meat?" Even looks away from him then and when Isak squints to really concentrate, it looks like a bit of red flushes on Even's cheeks. 

Got em.

"I just uh," Even coughs, "I was just curious." 

Isak looks at him briefly before shrugging. "Enh it's alright, I guess we all get a little curious sometimes." He goes to lift his beer and drinks what's left in the glass.

Even studies him then, a frown line forming between his brows. He opens his mouth to say something but gets interrupted by the waitress giving everyone their food. The moment, however tense it was, between them suddenly evaporates in the face of warm, hot food. 

The boys, and Even too, all ordered some form of barbecue meat patties while Isak got a veggie burger and more fries. He takes a bite of the burger and almost moans in response. "Liker du det?" Even asks. Isak nods several times and takes an even bigger bite this time. 

"I don't get to go out and eat messy, fatty foods like this too often." He says to Even. 

"Why not?" Even is looking at him, interested. He shrugs in response, "Noora plans most of the food we cook so it's usually always super healthy. Y'know, steamed veggies and brown rice, that sort of thing." He covers his mouth while chewing some more. 

Even eyes him without giving away what he's thinking, suddenly looking at him a little coldly. "Right. Noora cooks for you, got it." 

Isak shakes his head in confusion, "Not just for me, but for herself too. I never _ask_ her to cook for me. And sometimes I'm in the kitchen too helping out." He doesn't want Even to think he's some kind of freeloader using women for unpaid emotional labor and-Jesus Christ he's been listening to Jonas too much. But Even doesn't seem that interested in continuing the conversation anymore because he turns to watch the guys joke and banter, seemingly forgetting what just happened. 

Isak can't help but think he fucked up. Again. 

 

*

 

Despite their hanging out last week Even stills act distant towards him. He doesn't flat out ignore him but the conversations, that Isak always has to initiate, are still stale and awkward. 

But later in the week Even approaches him in the breakroom, lettuce wrap stuffed in his mouth. "I'm sorry I've been acting so weird lately, especially when you invited me out. That wasn't cool." Even bites his lip nervously. 

Isak swallows his bite before saying, "It's fine." He goes back to eating. He feels a little weird and awkward about it but not enough to actually stop since he forgot to eat breakfast this morning. 

Even looks concerned then, "No, it's not fine. You've been nothing but nice and," he sighs in frustration and runs a hand through his hair, making it look more crazy than before. "I've just been an asshole."

Isak shrugs into his wrap, "Everybody can be an asshole sometimes, even me." 

Even shakes his head, "No Isak, you've been nothing but perfect."

Isak doesn't really know how to react to that? To a cute guy he works with calling him perfect? So he just deflects and keeps going, "No really, I can be an asshole. Like, last weekend I woke up really early and couldn't go back to sleep and I just ate all of the eggrolls that Noora had saved for herself." 

Even smiles a little at that but his eyes still look sad so he continues, "And yeah I just completely forgot about it until later that day when she asked me about it." He takes a smaller bite this time to think about what to say next to cheer Even up when he beats him to it. 

"Okay how about we just start over, yeah?" He holds out his hand then, "Hi, Jeg heter Even and I'd like to be your friend. How's that sound?" Isak slowly shakes it and watches a bright, squinty smile make its way on his face. Little crinkles appear on the side of his eyes, but he's still just as good looking damnit. 

When they get finished making up Isak uses his now free hand to hold his burrito more securely and takes another bite, watching Even walk to the fridge and kneels down to presumably look for his lunch. "What did you bring this time? More cookies?" 

Even shakes his head and stands up, holding out a...container filled with, "Are those mussels?" Even nods at him before walking to the microwave. "Yeah I went out to dinner last night with my parents so now I'm eating leftovers." 

Isak tries his best to ignore the strong fishy smell that's now permeating the small room. He doesn't think he does a good job because Even glances at him and laughs out, "I know it smells but don't worry I was planning on eating outside." 

Isak asks nervously, "Want me to join you?" 

Even gives him another one of his megawatt smiles right as the microwave dings. 

 

They sit on the steps right outside the building, occasionally watching people walk by and they make up stories about each one. They see a man in neon jogging shorts and assume he's training for a 5k on environmental protection, Isak's prediction, and a black woman with long braids and a heavy backpack who's clearly training to be a doctor or a big time scientist, Even's prediction. After Isak eats the last of his lunch he starts to watch Even eat his. His giant hands delicately rip apart pieces of bread and he dips it into the buttery sauce. 

"So Isak," Even says between bites of bread, "What exactly did you eat for lunch?" 

"Uh, a lettuce wrap with tomatoes and tempeh." Isak shrugs, "Nothing too exciting." 

Even hums in response and eats a mussel, chewing thoughtfully. "What made you decide to go vegan?" He turns and Isak is taken aback at how intense his gaze is now. His eyes are too blue and Isak is...too gay to handle it. 

He sighs and looks forward at the expanse of the university steps and the green grassy field and shrugs, "I used to eat terribly and back then I was really stressed a lot and trying to uh," he clears his throat awkwardly, "find myself and all that and Noora basically helped teach me how to cook." 

He turns and looks at Even taking this all in before continuing, "When I get stressed I just turn to potato chips or some other junk food but like, sometimes I can't even be bothered to eat at all? And that was clearly unhealthy so," he shrugs again, "Noora really helped me learn how to eat properly." He can see Even nodding in his peripheral. 

"She sounds very nice." 

Isak smiles then, "Yep, she's very nice. And kind too." 

It's such a beautiful sunny day; the kind of day that people imagine in their heads when they think of summer and barbecue roasts and hanging out with friends. It's such a beautiful day, and it's such a nice moment he's having with Even that he doesn't feel like spoiling the mood, of ruining the calm vibes between them. They only made up fifteen minutes ago and Isak doesn't want to ruin their new attempt at friendship by bringing up his depression. How Noora had noticed him skipping meals with the rest of their flatmates and loosing a substantial amount of weight. He doesn't bring up his mother texting him over and over again about a lake of fire that sinners are cast into, of how lust is wrong. He doesn't bring up his dad being the straw that broke his back, asking about forgiveness and getting over the past and _what's done is done_. How that ruined his appetite for even drinking water and how he had spent an entire week not eating and how he passed out on the bathroom floor after trying to take a piss. He doesn't mention any of that. 

Instead he simply shrugs again, "So yeah I guess I just kinda fell into the whole vegan thing." He squints and looks at Even again. "Why are you so curious?" 

"I'm not really sure," Even furrows his eyebrows while looking down, deep in thought. "My cousin is vegetarian but only most times. She breaks it during Christmas and New Years though. But she starts it over again, every year." 

Isak huffs a laugh, "I've never broken it." 

"No? Never?" Even smiles when Isak simply shakes his head. "I tried it for about two weeks but then I started craving knekkebrød and mackerel." He laughs out, shaking his head at the memory. "And then I thought fuck it, and opened up like, five leverpostei packets." 

Isak purses his lips, "Nah I wouldn't let fucking _liver paste_ break me."

"Oh is that so? Do I detect some judgement in your tone, Isak?" Even smirked at him. 

Isak can give back as good as he gets, "Yeah actually. I _am_ judging you right now." He watches as Even clutches his chest in mock surprise. 

"So nothing could break you from your diet?" 

Isak lifts his chin up, "Nope." 

"Hmm, not even cheese toasties? I make really great ones. Although," he pauses and tilts his head in thought, "I guess since you're a vegan I'd have to buy some vegan cheese instead." 

Isak looks down and starts picking at his jeans to hide the blush on his face. Even wants to cook for him? He can only imagine how that would turn out. Even using a strong up and down motion to sprinkle spices, his giant hands tightly grasping the cheese slicer and the veins in his arms tensing- 

Wow, okay no. Isak couldn't handle that happening. He can't even handle _thinking_ about it before spontaneously cumming or dieing, or both. But the whole cooking idea doesn't sound too bad actually. He fully turns to look at Even this time and ignores his legs brushing Even's. He stares at him before saying, "You should come to my place actually. Noora and I will cook for you."

Even looks surprised then, "Really? You'd want me to come over?" 

"Ja of course. It'll be fun." He watches Even ponder the invitation before asking, "It'll be vegan?" 

"Yes, it'll be vegan. But it will also be very good." He smiles when Even nods his head. 

"Okay yeah, that could be fun." 

 

*

 

That Friday after work Even follows Isak home. They talk the whole way to the tram stop, and on the tram ride, and when Isak pulls out his keys he turns to Even and says, "Okay, you wanna make one more guess about what we're making?" 

Even pauses thoughtfully and tilts his head, "Hmm, I honestly give up. It's not pasta," he begins to tick things off his list with his fingers, "it's not burgers and fries, it isn't tacos. Which let me just say no self respecting Norwegian _wouldn't_ not make tacos, Isak. That's just sad." 

Isak only shrugs, "Whatever. Rules are meant to be broken." He proceeds to roll his eyes when Even gasps dramatically and asks, "So that's it? You give up?" When Even nods he turns around and unlocks the door and walks inside. After they take off their shoes Isak calls out to Noora and finds her in the kitchen rinsing mushrooms. 

Isak quickly turns back to Even and says in messy english, "Tonight we'll make pizza!" He grins at Even who still looks a little confused. "Wait, you _have_ heard of pizza before right? Like, you know what that is?" 

Even rolls his eyes and smiles down at Isak, "Yeah Isak, I know what pizza is." He then claps his giant hands, "So how can I help?" 

It's then when Noora turns around to place the mushrooms on the counter and places a cutting board and knife down as well. "Could you slice these for us?" They exchange smiles again, and Even's height is even more noticeable standing next to Noora. Since Isak has a somewhat general idea of what they're making he pulls out a can of pasta sauce from the fridge and starts spooning it out onto the dough. He turns to Even, "We were on a bit of a time restraint otherwise we would've just made the dough from scratch." 

Even plays along and nods intensely, "Oh of course. I completely understand, I mean, who has time these days to harvest their own wheat?" 

Noora walks up to them and pokes her head near their shoulders, "Are you guys _talking_ about me??" She bites her bottom lip to keep from smiling. 

"No, of course not." Even smiles back before looking down to chop the rest of the mushrooms. 

"Uh Noora, is this sauce I'm using organic?" Isak asks. 

Noora nods, "Yes of course," she gestures at the cutting board Even is using, "the mushrooms are too." They smile at each other then at their little inside joke. Isak watches her walk back to the opposite counter to slice onions and bell peppers and when he looks up to Even he catches a glimpse of him staring at him before quickly turning back to his own work. 

Once everything's sliced and diced Isak places the toppings on the pizza with added commentary from Even, _the perfect cheese to veg ratio is crucial, Isak_ , and finally when the pizza is in the oven Isak sets the timer on his phone and plops down in one of the kitchen chairs. "Ugh," he groans, his voiced muffled by lying on the table, "That took forever." 

"Isak, it was only six minutes." 

"And I did most of the vegetable chopping." 

He raises a hand to silence his friends, no wait _haters_ , "I don't need this judgement right now." He feels Even's giant hand ruffle his hair like he's petting a giant dog and his back freezes up, "Isak's right actually, it was very intense manual labor."

"Back breaking work," he adds. 

He hears Noora sigh and walk out into the living room. "Call me when the pizza's done," she yells out. Isak can already hear Skavlan playing in the background. 

He temporarily lifts his head to check his phone and when the timer says there's still 8 minutes left he groans again and hits the table. Even chuckles, "You really are so dramatic." 

Isak flips him off but that only makes Even laugh even more. "The _audacity_ of you, Even. I invite you into my home and all you've done is mock me. So disrespectful." 

Even chuckles, "I'll make it up to you." 

Isak mumbles into the table, "You better," before he goes rigid from feeling Even gently rub circles onto the back of his neck. "You feel really tense," Even says, "When was the last time you had a massage?" 

The fuck? He's never had a massage in his _life_ what is this shit? He tells Even as much only to hear him smack his hand on the table in mock outrage. "You've never had a massage? What, like ever?" 

Isak mumbles under his breath and rolls his eyes even though Even can't see it. What. It's hard shrugging when you're laying face down over a table. "I'm not exactly a face mask and lemon water type of guy, Even. I mostly relax by like, smoking weed with the guys and playing fifa." He lifts his head when Even doesn't say anything. "What? What is it?"

Even looks contemplative and thoughtful, a small line finds itself between his eyebrows until suddenly his eyes light up and a wide smile slowly appears on his face. "We should get face masks."

"What? Huh?" Isak looks confused at Even, getting more giddy by the second. "Yeah we should! I have some at home, I'll bring them sometime. Or maybe when you come to my place I'll make you cheese toasties and we can use the masks." 

"Are we gonna have a slumberparty?" Isak asks sarcastically.

He watches Even nod enthusiastically, "Oh definitely! I'll braid your hair and we can talk about cute boys." He raises his eyebrows up and down suggestively and Isak rolls his eyes, trying to stave off his face heating up. He thinks it's unsuccessful since Even just laughs at him. "What do you say then, hmm?"

Isak sits up to put his cheek in the palm of his hand, "Will there be vegan cheese toasties?" 

"Yeah of course," Even nods once, seriously. He raises his hand in a mock salute, "Speider scouts honor." 

Isak rolls his eyes and smiles down at the table, "Okay then." In his peripheral he sees Even fist bump like a dork when the alarm on his phone goes off. He turns it off and turns his head to yell for Noora to come get the pizza. 

 

After they get finished gorging themselves on the pizza they chat and cracked a few jokes and when Isak walked Even to the front door, joking about the merits of mixing random spices to create the _ultimate spice blend_ , Isak let out the biggest, most carefree laugh he's had in a while. Tonight was such a good night. He looks up to see Even still standing in the front door, looking at him so openly. His blue eyes slowly scan his face before asking, "So you've had a good time tonight then?" 

Isak scrunches up his nose in confusion, "Shouldn't I be asking _you_ that?" Even simply shrugs. "But yeah, I had a good time." 

Even nods and a small, shy smile lies on his face, "Me too." He turns to the steps, puts one foot on it before turning back to Isak, "Goodnight Isak." 

Isak leans into the door trying to hide his blushing smile. He feels really giddy all of a sudden and mumbles _goodnight Even_ into the wooden frame. He closes the door once he sees Even walk down the stairs and turn to the second door, leading out of the kollektiv. 

Tonight was good and when he goes to bed he sleeps for several hours. 

 

*

 

Work for the next few days does a complete 180, where as before Isak would crawl out of bed bleary eyed and exhausted, nervously standing on the tram and biting his lips at the prospect of _pretending to be normal_ and showing his coworkers that's he's a _functioning productive team member_ , now he's gotten into a steady groove. It helps that his conversations with Even are funny and distract him from his anxiety. He works for many hours, answering emails about deadlines and edits journal posts, and promptly stands in the breakroom eating his lunch and laughing at whatever jokes Even's come up with this time. It's a pretty great routine and today isn't any different except _this_ time when Isak walks in he sees Mikael is also there. He smiles and waves to the both of them and opens the fridge in search for his lunch. 

"So what are you eating for lunch today? What's in that?" Even points at Isak unwrapping his sandwich. He leans back on the opposite counter, his usual space near the microwave and replies, "Chickpea tuna sandwich." 

He watches Even look at the contents of his sandwich, downright fascinated by it before asking what's in it. Isak chews a little and swallows, "Chickpeas, vegan mayonnaise, green scallions, and y'know," he shrugs, "Salt and pepper." 

Even nods his head a few times, mulling it over when Mikael speaks, "Two pieces of bread on a sandwich seems a bit...much though. But I mean, it looks good." Isak watches as Mikael eats his pot noodle. 

"It's _American Style_ right Isak?" Even interjects, raising his eyebrows up and down suggestively. 

Isak laughs and winks back at him before shaking his head, "The real reason is that we have a lot of leftover bread and Noora didn't want it to go bad so she's making us use two pieces of bread instead of the usual one." 

Even nods slowly, confusion spreading on his face, "Wait, hang on, Noora makes you lunch?" Isak shrugs, "Yeah sometimes." He takes another bite before glancing at both Even and Mikael's faces and he feels the need to defend how weird that sounds, like he's making his roommate live out some creepy fifties barefoot in the kitchen fantasy life. "I never ask her to do that and I've made my own lunch several times, it's just," he waves his hand in the air, "She like, um." He gives up and just sighs out. He rolls his eyes at how weird it sounds but he honestly doesn't know how to explain the situation without bringing up his past of disordered eating. 

That's what Noora had called it; a few days after the stunt in the bathroom he spent his days sitting on the living room couch hunching in on himself with one of Eskild's oversized comfy hoodies. His roommates had tried to get him used to a routine and opened the windows to let in the sunlight and fresh air; apparently it did some good for Isak's depression and later that day Noora had quietly opened up about her own struggles with food in the past. How difficult it was to find the will to eat but how learning to cook forced her to learn about nutrition and stop obsessing over calories. And later that evening she taught Isak how to prepare food; there was something methodical and healing about cutting and chopping vegetables. For the first time in his life he didn't feel like a piece of shit that no one could love; he felt hopeful that he could overcome this. And taking the time to prepare a good, healthy meal for himself was the best self care he had encountered. 

Even smiles kindly at him then, "It's okay Isak, really you don't have to explain yourself." 

Isak nods, "You're right, I don't. But anyways what's up with you guys? Got any plans for tonight?"

Even gestures at Mikael, "We're going bowling." Even wraps his arm around Mikael's shoulder and shakes him a little bit, excited grin on his face. 

Mikael huffs out a laugh, saying to Isak, "It's a bit random but it'll be fun, I think." He tilts his head towards Even, "He's been excited for _days_."

Isak lifts his eyebrows then in surprise; he had no idea Even was a fan of bowling. It was something that just never came up but he looks at Even then, "Oh yeah? Are you really good?" 

Even shakes his head, grin still on his face, "Nah I'm absolutely terrible at it. I'm not any good but I'm damned _fast_." He sticks his chest out proudly, as if failure isn't an option worthy of embarrassment. 

"Nice," Isak says and laughs a little when Even squints another sunny smile his way. "So what are you eating for lunch, Even?" 

Even shrugs, "I'll probably run over to the kebab place from across the street."

"Geez man, again?" Mikael asks.

"You're literally eating pot noodle right now, you can't judge me Mik." 

"I'm just saying though," he shrugs and slurps some more noodles before continuing, "You can't eat fast food everyday, it's not healthy." 

Even glances at Mik some more, "Again need I remind you that you're eating _pot noodle_. I can't with this. It's like taking music advice from a Nickelback fan on what _good_ music is." 

"Are you saying I'm a _Nickelback_ fan? You take that back, Bech Næshim!"

"Never." He laughs and turns to look at Isak watching them, amused. "We'll talk later, Isak. Probably tomorrow, yeah?" 

Isak nods shyly, "Yeah, I'll be here." He watches Even nod and give a quick wave to the both of them and walks out. 

He finishes half his sandwich and turns around to place the other half back into the container, closing it. He guesses he's not as hungry as he thought he was. While he fiddles with the plastic lid he doesn't notice Mikael watching him consideringly. 

He doesn't notice a lot of things this week. 

 

***

 

Even walks up to him sitting at his deck the very next day, friendly smile on his face. Isak senses his presence getting closer and he turns to look up at him, "Hey, how was yesterday?" 

"Fine," Even says, pulling up a chair to sit down next to Isak.

"Did you win any of the bowling matches?" 

Even shakes his head, still smiling, "Nope I lost every game. Spectacularly." 

"But you had fun?"

"I had fun." Even confirms with a nod. 

Isak can't look into Even's intense, friendly blue eyes any longer so he fiddles with his hands instead. "That's nice."

"So anyways," Even says, tone a bit softer this time, "I was wondering if you'd like to come to my apartment this time? For our, uh, sleepover?" When Isak looks back up he can see nervousness etched across Even's features.

He nods, "Yeah I'd love to. You wanna go straight there after work?" He can practically see Even begin to smile and sit up straighter, not nervous anymore now that Isak wants to go to his. Although Isak can't understand why exactly Even would be nervous. He's the one going to some tall Adonis' apartment, not for the first time but this seems significant. There'll be no additional people filling the space and contributing to potential conversations and again, he'll be alone in Even's _apartment_. Alone. With him. Crazy. 

"I've got two different face masks for us to try." Even says.

"Oh God," Isak sighs. "It isn't those weird peel ones is it?"

Even huffs out, looking offended, "That cheap paper stuff? No way. Besides, those are just fads and mine are actually good." He reaches up to poke Isak's cheek, "Gotta get those pores nice and clean.” 

Isak tilts his head back out of Even's reach. "What's wrong with my pores?"

"Nothing," Even says innocently. 

Isak purses his lips suspiciously but decides to let it go. "Are you gonna make me cheese toast? I specifically remember you promising to make me cheese toast." 

Even hold up a finger, "First of all I never _promised_ to make you anything-" Isak splutters at this, but Even continues on, "But yes I bought some vegan cheese. That shit is _pricey_ but," Even shrugs and smiles, "I think you're worth it."

"Awww," Isak tilts his head to the side, staring at Even, "Did you think I'd be a cheap date?" 

"No," Even laughs then and hold on, is that a blush on his face? 

Isak thinks it's best to change the subject then to ask about Even's film project for one of his classes. They talked about it a few times but since then nothing's come up. He learns that Even is experimenting with sepia and warm filters and questions whether or not his project needs narration to accompany it. "I just don't want anyone to watch it and be confused about what's going on." 

"Is it a silent film?" Isak asks.

Even shakes his head, "Not really. But it does sort of rely more on," he lifts his hands to wave them around, "the surrounding space." 

Isak furrows his brows, "Like, the environment?" 

"Yeah exactly." 

It's quiet for a moment but it isn't awkward at all and Isak doesn't feel the need to fill the space with pointless conversation or small talk about the weather. The Norwegian weather is how it's always been: cold, and so Isak turns back to his computer and starts reading a coworkers article for revision. 

He can feel Even staring at him again, so he asks, "Is there something wrong with my face?" 

Out of the corner of his eye he can see Even shaking his head, "No there's nothing wrong with it." 

"Oh really? Then why are you so adamant about me using a face mask?" He smirks at Even briefly and looks back at the screen, highlighting a grammatical error. 

"It's important to carry out good hygiene skills, Isak." Even leans back in his chair, spreading his legs out comfortably and Isak tries not to let his knee touching his affect him in any way. "It's all about self care." 

"Self care?"

"Yes, it's important to treat yourself."

"I treat myself!" He quickly turns his neck to look at Even again, the perfect example of nonchalance. "The boys and I are planning to uh," he glances around the office to make sure no one is listening to whisper, "Engage in a little _green activity_."

Even looks like he's trying not to laugh at him and when he looks down at Even biting his own lip he gets a bit peeved. "What? It's true, it is self care okay I don't need this judgement from you right now." 

"Oh I'm sorry, was I ruining your vibes?" When Isak simply rolls his eyes and turns back to his work Even lets out a bellowing laugh and Isak's mood increases significantly. 

 

When he goes to Even and Mikael's apartment he's equal parts nervous and excited. The place looks very lived in but not overtly clunky or messy and after they take their shoes off Even grabs his wrist and leads him straight into the kitchen, pointing at the countertop nearest to the fridge. "Sit up there, I'll get started on the cheese toasts." Once he's up, he looks at Even pull out a cutting board and walk towards the fridge, sticking his head in, tossing the cheese on the board. He peeks up to look at Isak, asking, "Vil du ha øl?" 

Isak nods and makes grabby hands at him. Once Even hands the beer over he pops the cap and takes a swig. "This is exactly what you need after a long day." 

Even nods in agreement before clapping his hands once in finality, spinning on his heels to look at Isak excitedly asking, "Okay! So spices are obviously very important when making cheese toasties. So I'm thinking I'll name a few and if you agree, I'll sprinkle them on. Sounds good?" 

"Yep, sounds good." Isak watches as Even nods to himself and open up a few cabinets, pulling down spices to collect on the counter. "Do we really need _all_ of those?"

Even lifts his eyebrows up and down at him, "Options are important, Isak. Now," he lifts up one of the containers to show Isak, "Rosemary?"

Isak nods, "Lots of rosemary." He watches as Even sprinkles an even amount on both cheese toasts. 

"Salt og pepper?" 

Isak nods again. When Even asks if he'd like cinnamon he scrunches his nose up in equal parts confusion and disgust. "Wait, why are we putting cinnamon on them?"

Even waves his hand around excitedly. "For extra flair, Isak! We need to be creative. We need to be culinary inivators. We need to-"

"-Be practical? Yes absolutely, I agree." He huffs out a laugh when Even simply sighs dramatically. "You gotta live a little sometimes yknow? Live life on the edge." Isak leans back in surprise, "I live life on the edge! I'm the master of it! You don't even know - hey, stop laughing at me." 

Even bites his lip to hold back his laughter, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're the master of living life on the edge, my apologies." His eyes are still doing that attractive crinkly thing but he turns back to sprinkle a few more spices on both toasts before bending down to place them in the oven. When he gets back up he stands a little closer to Isak than he did before. "So," he says, blue eyes tracing his face, "What's next?"

Isak hums thoughtfully, "Face masks?" 

Even's eyes widen, excitedly remembering his plan from before. "Right! Okay, hold on let me go get them." He quickly walks out of the kitchen only to return a few moments later with two small black pots in his hands. "Alright so I have a minty green mask that'll clean out your pores," he places it in Isak's hand, "and I have a coffee scented mask that exfoliates and makes your skin really smooth." 

Isak looks down at both of the pots before unscrewing the lid of the coffee scented mask, and takes a curious sniff. "Oh wow, that _really_ smells like coffee." He starts to read the list of ingredients and can see Even in his peripheral, bouncing up and down excitedly. "Liker du det?" He asks, a smile in his voice. 

"Yeah it's good, let me smell the other one though." He quickly puts the lid back on and places the coffee mask near his thigh and makes work of opening the next one. It smells like freshly cut grass and peppermint. "Huh." Isak mumbles, taking another whiff. 

"It's nice right? I love that one, it's definitely one of my favorites." Even smiles and pokes his finger in the pale green face mask and smears two lines under his eyes like war paint. Isak laughs out, "I don't think you're supposed to use it like that." 

Even simply leans back dramatically, "What do you mean?" He points at his face, "I'm _clearly_ trying to prevent bags under my eyes, Isak. It's all a part of my routine." 

Isak shakes his head, still smiling at Even's theatrics, "Your routine?" 

"Yes. My nightly beauty routine," he replies. Isak rolls his eyes at him, at this point it's more from fondness than annoyance but he still tells him how ridiculous he is. He ignores Even's spluttered surprise and opens up the coffee pot mask again and starts rubbing it onto his face in small circles. "Am I doing this right?" 

"Yeah." Isak watches him put the green mask on as well. "This feels strange, I'm not gonna lie." 

"What, the masks? How so?" 

Isak shrugs, "It's like drying on my face now," he looks down, "and my hands too." Even laughs at him and grabs his wrist with his non-masked hand and leads him to the hallway bathroom. "Come on miss princess, let's get you cleaned up." 

He kicks open the door and pulls Isak inside, leading him to the sink. Isak watches him bend down to turn on the faucet and wash his hands. "I'm not a princess," he mumbles grumpily, watching Even give a small smile to him in the mirror. "Sure," he shrugs. 

Isak's brow furrows, "I'm not, Even! I'm not a princess." 

Even hums thoughtfully as he dries off his hands with the håndklar. "Maybe a prince then. You certainly have the hair for it." He turns and leans against the sink, watching as Isak tries to get the small coffee grind bits out from under his nails. 

"What?" Isak watches Even casually shrug, "Yeah, your hair looks kind of like what a princes would be like." Isak thanks no gods in particular that the face mask covers up his blush before quickly changing the subject, "How many more minutes until the food is ready?" 

Even pulls his phone out of his pocket, "A minute." Isak nods then, "Okay good I was starting to get hungry." 

They make their way back into the kitchen when Even's alarm goes off. He silences it and then quickly takes the cheese toasties out of the oven to let them cool on the counter. Isak walks closer to take a look at them before turning to Even, "Vegan cheese is different from dairy cheese." He knows it can be a bit strange eating something that tastes somewhat similar to cheese, and from what Isak can remember they were almost pretty much the same, but it doesn't melt exactly the same way. 

He remembers the first few weeks after Noora had decided to be in charge of cooking meals and help Isak learn healthy habits; he had face planted dramatically on the kitchen table to complain to Noora about missing _normal people foods_. He liked the havregrøt with an assortment of berries, and the veggie soups and stews with rice or noodles was great, they definitely tasted _good_ but Isak missed greasy food. He had missed sloppy foods full of carbs that he could devour like a drunken fool at three am after a crazy night out. So Noora had googled recipes that Isak might have liked and one of them was an American-style deep dish pizza with extra meat and cheese. They subbed the meat and cheese for vegan replacements and Isak was surprised at how similar but also unsimilar the tastes were. He still ate three slices though.

And that had been that and now, looking in front of Even, standing right here in his kitchen with a coffee scented face mask on he felt equal parts awkward and apologetic. Maybe he should've let Even divide the cheese toasties by having a vegan option just for Isak and the regular dairy cheese for Even. He opens his mouth to awkwardly apologize for making Even feel like he had to eat it but Even continues to surprise him by shrugging and smiling, "It's totally fine, Isak. I've had vegan cheese before and it's actually good. Sometimes I eat it with crackers as a snack." 

Isak raises his eyebrows in surprise, "Really? You like it?" 

Even nods. "Yeah I actually love eating cheese and crackers like, almost every other day. It's an addiction," he raises his eyebrows jokingly before continuing, "But anyways if I eat too much it upsets my stomach so I just eat the vegan option now. Plus I've noticed my skin start to clear up a little." 

"Oh yeah? It's not the face masks?" Isak jokes. 

Even plays along, "Well it's obviously both then, isn't it? My beauty routine is also very important to me." He gathers a bunch of napkins and places a toastie on both sets before carrying them and walking towards the living room. "So what movie do you want to watch?" Isak watches as he gets to work using several remote controls to turn on the tv and surround sound system. He looks at the shelves filled with various dvds on both sides of the tv. "Hmm, I'm not sure to be honest." He turns and looks at Even, who's already gazing back at him from his own spot on the couch right next to him. 

"I should let you pick since you're a guest in my home," he leans down to grab his cheese toast and takes a bite, looking Isak up and down thoughtfully before continuing, "But since I'm the film major, and therefore an expert at quality movies, then I'll pick." 

Isak rolls his eyes when Even winks at him. "Ugh, you're so pretentious."

"Isak...last week you told me you marathoned Adam Sandler movies." 

Isak splutters, offended, "Hey some of them are good okay?! They're not that bad I mean, I thought they were funny." 

Even shakes his head slowly, "Okay I'm just going to pretend I didn't just hear you say that." He stands up and heads towards the dvd collection, tracing over the boxes with his index finger as he mumbles, "God I liked this man enough to invite him into my _home_ , I cooked him _food_ , and he's got the nerve to _disrespect_ me this way?" He opens up a case and bends down to put it into the player." 

Isak, ready to defend himself while also maybe stare at Even's ass, even though there's no proof that that happened, protests, "Hey! That one remote control movie was pretty good!" 

Even plops back down on the couch, closer to Isak prior to him getting up. "You don't even know the name?" Isak only shrugs and takes another bite of his toast, "Whatever. What movie did you pick?" Even opens his mouth to respond but Isak interrupts him, "If you say some old soundless black and white movie from France I'm gonna fucking leave." 

Even laughs brightly then, "Nei it's just Titanic." He turns to grab the remote and fast forward through all the ads. 

Isak scoffs, "Titanic? That's the saddest movie ever." Even's jaw drops open but he still faces the screen, blue and white light from the tv illuminating his face. "It's the greatest love story of all time. What, you don't like it?" 

Isak shakes his head, "No no I do, it's just awfully tragic." 

"But that's what makes it so great! The greatest love stories always end in tragedy! They're world changing," Even says, a passionate glint in his eye. He presses play and when the screen turns black for a second and the movie begins he leans closer to Isak and whispers, "Leonardo Dicaprio and Kate Winslet both played a part in helping me discover my sexuality." 

Isak once again thanks the face mask and the now dark room for hiding his face heating up. He hums nonchalantly, "That's nice." His toast is suddenly too dry, he thinks he needs some water. But getting up now would be awkward so he just swallows and tries to ignore Even's thigh laying really really close to his. 

About a quarter of the way through the movie Isak feels his face start to dry out from the mask. He turns to Even to ask, "Does your face not feel really dry?"

Even still looks entranced by the screen but he hums a question in reply. "Even!" Isak says then and watches as he pauses the movie to give Isak his undivided attention. "Yeah?" 

"I asked if your face feels really dry from the mask." Isak stares at Even go through an emotional roller coaster of recognition that _yeah_. Sitting a full thirty minutes with a face mask on can like, totally _dry out your skin_. Who knew? 

Even stands up and grabs Isak's wrist again, leading him into the bathroom. It feels surprisingly intimate in the dark corridor. "I didn't even realize." 

Isak smirks then, "Too busy admiring Rose?" 

Even replies from under the spray of the faucet, "And Jack too. Don't erase my identity." 

"Oh of course, I'm so sorry about that. My mistake," he smiles. 

Once Even rinses the last of the mask off he stands back up and blindly makes his way to the hand towel from earlier, wiping his face down throughly. He smiles at Isak. Isak would usually smile back when Even gives him one of his trademark sun smiles but it would probably crack his face so he bends over the sink and makes quick work of washing his mask off. He tries to be careful and not accidentally get coffee grinds into his eyelashes. That shit wouldn't be fun. 

When he comes back up and dries his face off he notices Even looking at him a certain way. His eyes are wide and interested but the look quickly disappears and Even asks instead, "Enjoying the movie so far?"

"Yeah it's all fun and games _now_ but it only gets worse after the car sex scene."

Even laughs at that before switching off the light and guides him back into the living room, his large hand gently holding his lower back. Isak tries not to die of a heart attack. 

After they finish the film they pretend, or Isak at least tries to pretend that he didn't tear up near the end, and well, Even just breathed heavily through his nose while talking about how beautiful the scene was. When the credits roll he turns down the volume and talks to Isak, giving him his undivided attention and Isak simultaneously loves it and hates it. He stutters a little through his opinions on the film but manages to make Even bellow out a loud laugh at some of his jokes. Even in turn tells him more about why he's so passionate about the film and how it inspired him to be a director. His eyes lit up when Isak said that he'd definitely be a great director and got another wide eyed look from him and a huge sunny smile. 

Isak got ready to leave half an hour later, putting his shoes back on and trying not to give in to Even trying to convince him to stay the night. "I'll make breakfast for you. My famous scrambled eggs - or whatever the vegan equivalent of that is." But Isak simply smiled up at him shyly and shook his head with a, "Maybe next time," spilling from his lips before putting his winter coat and scarf on, and walking down for the tram stop to take him back home. 

 

*

 

It's a nice new routine Isak has found himself in; he wakes up bleary eyed and groggy but now he actually looks forward to going to work, in the hopes of maybe talking to Even. They've been getting in the habit of talking a few minutes before work and hanging out in the break room during lunch. Even will curiously ask what he brought before digging into a TV dinner or canned soup and on Fridays they'll either catch the tram back to Isak or Even's place or they hang out in a casual restaurant, joking, eating, and drinking a few beers. 

This time it's the former, at Isak's place respectively. They've decided to make lasagna. Isak and Even settle down by the long counter to chop vegetables and cook the pasta while Noora makes pasta sauce from scratch. Isak's been looking back and forth between his two friends, first watching Noora make the sauce a little spicy because _I lived in Madrid, Isak, sometimes you need a little spice you know?_ , and second he's been bumping shoulders with Even. Not for any particular reason or anything they're just in a giddy sort of mood. And honestly? It's been so nice to just shoot the shit with someone who doesn't know all of his secrets yet. Sometimes it's easier to be comfortable around strangers than people you actually know because to the stranger you're just a blank slate with no preconceived notions. But Even isn't a stranger, he's starting to become one of Isak's closest friends. He's funny and a great listener, not to mention drop dead fucking gorgeous, but yeah that's fine. Isak can handle just being friends. If that's all that Even wants to be then Isak can deal, he'd rather have him in his life than not at all so. It's chill. 

"What're you putting in the sauce, Noora?" Even asks. Isak turns to his left to see Noora pouring the remains of some beefless beef crumbles into the pot. Noora tells Even as much only for Even to widen his deep blue eyes and say "Wow" really loudly. 

Isak huffs out a small laugh, "You didn't realize we've got mock meats now huh? We're catching up!" He chops the last of the vegetables and watches Even use his giant hands to scoop everything into a bowl. "I didn't even think about it to be honest. But that's really cool." He shifts his focus on him now to ask, "Does it taste good?"

Isak shrugs, "Yeah it tastes exactly the same." He quickly looks up at Even then, "We even tricked Magnus into trying a burrito with it and he didn't even notice."

"Wow," Even laughs brightly.

"He even asked for seconds." Isak smiles and lifts his chin proudly. Determined to keep Even smiling. 

"Okay okay I believe you." Even laughs. He runs his hands through his hair and when Isak starts putting the cutting board and knife in the sink he can feel Even's eyes on him. 

Once everything's prepared they start to build the lasagna. Well, Isak sits on the counter and watches Even and Noora make it. Noora spoons out a small layer of sauce on the bottom of the dish and Even carefully places the long pasta on top. Noora then spoons another small layer of sauce and Even sprinkles some veggies on top of that. They continue that same pattern for a few minutes when Even asks, "You want to try a layer?" 

Isak simply shakes his head and continues swaying his feet back and forth. "You guys have got a handle on it." 

Noora teases, "Isak's probably tired from all the chopping." 

Even laughs a little and smiles at Isak then. "To be fair it _is_ hardwork." 

"Takk, Even."

"Back breaking labor," he continues and Isak opens his mouth, shocked and appalled. 

He watches Even smile down and sprinkle some veg while Noora bites her lip to contain her laughter, traitors. Both of them. "This friendship is cancelled." 

Even pouts at him then, "Aw Isak don't be like that. I'll make it up to you."

Isak folds his arms over his chest petulantly. "You better." 

Even smirks, "I'll give you a massage. I know how tight and achy your muscles can get after so much excersize." Noora bursts out laughing then too. Isak simply rolls his eyes at their playful roasting before gently kicking Even's leg. "You guys suck."

"Okay we're done." Noora says.

"Done with making fun of me or done with the lasagna?" Isak asks. 

"Both," she says before preheating the oven and placing the aluminum foil over the container and putting it in the oven. She concentrates on setting an alarm on her phone and looks up at them both. "I'll be in the living room watching tv, alright? So don't burn anything down." 

Isak rolls his eyes, "Yes mom" and watches Noora walk out of the kitchen. Even turns to look at him. "So-"

"Nei, don't _so_ me!" Isak says, puffing his chest out in fake annoyance. 

"Aww you're grumpy. That's cute." 

Isak wills his face not to heat up but it's pointless when Even simply laughs at him. "I'm _not_ grumpy," Isak responds, grumpily. Even tilts his head and watches Isak before pinching one of his still heated cheeks. Isak slaps his hand away, "Shut up." 

Even chuckles, "I didn't even say anything."

"No, but you were thinking it." 

Even looks at him differently now, his bright blue eyes twinkling almost. "What was I thinking?" He asks in a low voice. It unnerves Isak so he only shrugs and pulls at a thread on his jeans. 

Even lifts his chin up and then slowly cradles the side of his face. Isak's heart stops and he tries not to look as nervous as he feels. He asks again, his voice even lower this time, "What did you think I was thinking?" 

Isak can feel the pads of Even's fingertips as he slowly shakes his head, suddenly in a daze. It feels like the room has gotten smaller. Like they're the only ones left on earth, no other sounds are heard around him. "I don't know." He mumbles shyly. 

Even seems to have stepped even closer; he's suddenly crowding Isak's space, Isak's feet brushing against Even's legs again only this time it's infinitely more intimate. Isak looks back up into Even's intense eyes only to become so overwhelmed by the piercing blue of them that he immediately looks down again only to focus on how soft and plush Even's lips look too. He isn't brave enough to move a few inches forward to close the gap between their faces but luckily Even is braver than he is. 

Their lips connect and suddenly Isak can't focus on anything else; his rapidly beating heart, sweaty palms, and butterflies in his stomach all quickly vanish. Even's lips moved against his slowly and even though all of his senses melted away as if they never existed, the sense of touch still remained. He felt Even shift impossibly closer to his mouth and body and he could feel his big hands squeezing his shoulders before moving up to cradle the back of his neck, some of his fingers gently twisting and pulling at the hair on his nape. 

Another sense Isak felt in that moment was taste as well. At a certain point Even's mouth had opened up and Isak had followed him. He tilted his head, deepening the kiss and gently touched Even's tongue with his own when Even cautiously explored him. Isak grew bolder as time went on and he gently held Even's waist and slowly pulled him even closer. He could feel Even let out a quiet moan at that and he reacted by putting a bit more pressure on his neck, pulling Isak's hair a bit and Isak let out a moan too. 

He felt his cock start to get hard in his pants and he curled his calves around the back of Even's legs before kissing even faster. It was rushed now and Isak was starting to become a little desperate. 

Even was licking into his mouth now, proper chaste kissing be damned, and instead they kissed faster and dirtier. Isak briefly pulled back and opened his eyes to Even's kissed red lips, and feeling particularly brave he leaned back in to slowly lick Even's bottom lip from left to right, swallowing the moan Even responded with. Isak felt Even's hands grab onto his legs as if he was trying to calm them from shaking. It was like that sometimes. He would sometimes get so turned on that he'd start to shake, unchecked energy swarming all over his bloodstream simply threatening to get out and be released in someway. Isak felt like their fast kisses were reaching a crescendo and he moaned again, straight in Even's mouth and slowly moved one of his hands from Even's waist. He was eager to touch him and see if he was getting as affected by this as Isak was, he wanted to know if Even was going crazy the same way Isak was, he wanted to touch - but before he could Even quickly yanked himself back and out from inbetween Isak's legs. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and right then all of his senses came back. Isak heard Noora's soft sock-clad footsteps reach the kitchen and Even greeted her warmly, giving no signs that he had just been all up in Isak's space kissing him breathless. 

Isak sat on the counter and used more brain cells than he thought were necessary to try and actively close his gaping mouth. He was in shock from how quickly the whole situation flipped but if Even wanted to keep this a secret then Isak wasn't going to try and stop him. He seemed to have a reason for not wanting Noora to find out what they were doing in here. He tried to school his features into something normal. He tried to channel past-Isak who hadn't yet had the blessing to experience kissing someone as beautiful as Even. He looked up then to see Even staring at him with something dark in his eyes, as if he was trying to understand something but Isak followed his lead from before and subtly nodded his head in understanding, turning to Noora and nicely asking her if she was going to save their lives by cutting them a slice of lasagna. 

She laughed brightly and reached past him to open the cabinet, taking out three plates. When Isak dared to look back up at Even the dark look was gone and in its place was a somewhat somber expression. 

Throughout the entire meal Even was mostly in his own little world. He didn't really say much except to politely thank Noora for the food but thankfully she held the conversation for both of them; talking about some _pretentious twat_ person she was interviewing for her article. 

After dinner Isak volunteered to walk Even out of the flat. While he watched Even toe on his shoes and then wrap on his scarf he gently nudged his shoulder to ask, "Everything okay?" 

Even smiled at him although it looked more like a grimace, "Yeah everything's good." He pulled his hat on and brushed some of his hair out of his face, adjusting it underneath the hat. 

"Okay? You seemed really quiet after, well," Isak coughed awkwardly and shrugged. "I don't wanna make this awkward." 

Even stopped then and looked intensely at Isak before faking a bright smile, "I'll see you at work on Monday." Isak watched him quickly pull on his coat before practically running out the door. 

He definitely thinks he's made things awkward. 

 

*

 

As suspected, Even was just as weird and awkward around him on monday. He doesn't fucking get it. Even kissed _him_ he was the one who initiated everything and now he's acting like Isak's grown a second head? What is this shit? Maybe Isak grossly miscalculated how into him Even was. Or maybe he just felt like fucking with Isak's emotions before tossing him to the curb. But that can't be right. Even doesn't seem like the type to want to play games like that but still; what is his deal? 

He hadn't even bothered to stay in the breakroom for lunch, he just quickly walked in and grabbed a few snacks out of the cabinets, telling Isak he made plans to get kebabs with Mikael and briskly walked out with his head down. 

And speaking of Mikael he's been acting strange around him too. He hasn't been outright rude or anything, just a little bit...cold. Whereas before he used to crack a few jokes or salute him with his coffee in the mornings now he's been polite and restrained. It's really strange and it makes Isak's stomach hurt. He almost regrets kissing Even in the first place if he knew he'd get like this but it's totally not true. 

Being friends with Even was one of the best things to have happened this year and now it's starting to look like they can't even be _that_. He's tried texting Even all sorts of things like jokes or mentioning films Even might like, anything to get him interested in responding back, but he never does. So now Isak is standing in the breakroom alone slurping the last of his chik'un noodle soup and remaining broth. _All people are alone anyways_ , he thinks to himself walking back to his cubicle. 

The rest of the week is still just as awkward and Isak has given up on responding or trying to initiate conversation with Even. He subtly tried to bring up the subject to Eskild earlier in the week, asking him about a friend who's new friend is ghosting his texts only for Eskild to purse his lips in a knowing look and telling him that his _friend_ shouldn't try to start things up more than three times without making a fool out of himself. 

_Sometimes no response_ is _a response, y'know_? And Isak had nodded so quickly that he felt some of his hair bounce down into his eyes. He was nothing if not the _master_ of not taking things personally. If Even didn't want anything to do with him then that was just fine. He means, it really doesn't feel fine but he's used to being brushed aside and ignored so it's whatever, things will go back to normal soon. And anyways maybe it's for the best. Even was taking up so much of his time and now he can use that to hang out more with his friends and go party and Eskild sometimes bangs into the apartment at like, 3 am in a crop top and fluffy pink coat rambling about some new, exotic beauty that he just _had_ to get to know better and maybe Isak would like to go to one of his parties too? Meet someone new? 

So yeah he now has plenty of time to do whatever he wants. Fuck it. 

 

Jonas had texted him about a party Astrid was throwing and invited him and the boys for pre drinks at his place and since Isak was trying to get over his fleeting crush on unattainable hot guys he gladly said yes. Drinking Tuborg and cracking jokes at Magnus' expense was helping to get him in a better mood. He popped the top on his third beer when Jonas leaned over to ask, "Everything okay?"

"Yeah? Why, what's up?" 

Jonas shrugs, "I don't know, you seemed kinda down these past two weeks. Just wanted to make sure you were good." 

Isak huffed out a small laugh then, "It's fine. Really." He turns to see Jonas furrow his eyebrows, he can't tell if they look confused or disappointed so he continues, "I was feeling a bit shitty earlier but it's fine now, honestly." 

Jonas seems to be placated at that and looks Isak over briefly before nodding in understanding. "You know you can tell me if something's wrong, right?" 

Isak nods and gives a small smile. Jonas really is a good bro and he feels thankful to have him. 

"Hey! What're you guys talking about over there?" Magnus asks. 

Jonas looks at Isak as if to ask _you want me to handle this_? But Isak simply shakes his head and says, "We were just plotting to cockblock you tonight. But then we remembered you don't have any game anyways-" 

Magnus squaks in protest. "I have game!" 

Isak purses his lips but decides to let it go and continue drinking his beer. 

 

When they get to the party Isak admittedly loses his cool. He was already reaching the tipsy point once he and the boys decided to finish their pre gaming and head on over to Astrid's but now? He's almost drunk. In two drinks from now he's gonna reach blackout status. He finds a comfortable couch in a more secluded corner of the living room and sits down, casually sipping the rest of his drink. Mahdi and some girl he was talking to had fixed it for him, it was way too strong and _definitely_ too sweet but Isak didn't complain. Free alcohol. And besides beggars can't really be choosers can they? 

This sucks. He misses Even. Usually he can keep himself busy throughout the day with work or joking around and convincing his friends and roommates that he's a fully functional stable adult but at nighttime with no one around it's harder to keep up the facade. He spins his phone around in one hand mindlessly while staring at the floor. Maybe he should take Eskild's advice and hook up with somebody. 

He thumbs open his phone and hovers it between the messaging app and Grindr. In his drunken haze he really feels like texting Even. He knows it's a little desperate but he just wants to talk to someone who looks at him like he's the only person in the room. Like he's important and funny and worth being around even when he's nerdy and weird. He bites his lip. He shouldn't want these things; they're stupid and dumb. Logically, he knows that all people are inherently selfish beings and that being alone sort of comes with the territory of being alive. It's just facts. Although every time he says it aloud no one else seems to agree. Like the time he told it to Sana during their study buddy time she sort of scowled at him before calling him an idiot. And isn't that funny? 

He shakes his head jerkily to himself and opens up the Grindr app instead. He shouldn't want for things he can't have and he hasn't reached the stage in his life where he pathetically drunk texts people who don't want him back so he does the next best thing and opens the profile of the first guy he sees. 

He's in the middle of a thrilling, and not at all boring sext convo when he feels someone sit down beside him. "Having fun?" 

He looks over to see a blonde chick smiling at him before pushing forward her bowl of popcorn as an offering. "You want some?"

He shakes his head. 

She glances at him before introducing herself, "Jeg heter Astrid." She smiles before shoving more popcorn in her mouth. 

Isak manages a small smile. "I'm Isak." He looks down at his phone and has to physically stop himself from throwing it across the room. The guy he was messaging hadn't bothered to respond and isn't that just ironic, or funny, that literally nobody wants anything to do with him. He almost laughs like a crazy person. 

"So are you here with friends or...?" 

Isak nods slowly. He's gotta get a fucking grip. He pastes on a friendly smile, "Yeah they're around. I didn't really feel like hooking up or anything so yeah," he shrugs. It feels too fast to be natural. 

She nods at him and stares for a moment and asks, "Boy trouble?" 

Is it really that obvious? Isak furrows his brows in confusion. Is it written all over his face? How pathetic he feels? 

She continues when he doesn't say anything, "I'm sorry if I came across presumptious it's just that, I had that same look last week." She rolls her eyes before recrossing her legs. "Like, I was hooking up with this one guy, Cezzie? Do you know him?" When Isak shakes his head, she continues, "Well anyways we had plans to hookup again but suddenly he acts like he's so busy which is _ridiculous_ because I know for a _fact_ he only has three friends." 

Isak tries his best to hum in sympathy. 

"So I'm like, okay whatever I'll just confront him and ask what's up except he just totally blanked me! And now I think he's hooking up with one of his weird hipster friends. I checked his insta story and they were doing another one of those weird, mildly erotic photo shoots." She leans back and sighs loudly before eating more popcorn. 

"Boys are dumb," Isak mumbles. 

"Yup." She holds out the bowl again offering him some popcorn but he simply waves his hand and shakes his head. 

He's suddenly not hungry. 

 

*

 

Isak isn't hungry when he wakes up so he doesn't eat breakfast. And when lunchtime comes and goes he isn't really hungry then either. When Eskild asks him later that day why he's not eating dinner with the rest of them he lies and says his hangover made him lose his appetite. When Eskild seems satisfied he closes the door to his room, gets back in bed, and stares at the ceiling. 

On sunday Isak only leaves his room to use the toilet and gathers a few water bottles from the fridge. He's just really thirsty all of a sudden. 

Most people hate mondays but Isak was looking forward to the routine of the rest of the week. For a few hours each day he can exist mindlessly and escape his constant thoughts of failure while also gaining money. It's great. Last night he had forgotten to set three alarm clocks to gradually wake him up so this morning he woke up in a state of panic and rushed to get to work on time. He forgot to pack a lunch. 

Instead of standing in the breakroom like he usually does he opted to sit at his desk and stare at the wall. When he got bored with that he decided to get a head start on the rest of the articles he had to proofread. He finished it all and left half an hour early. 

Being at home was difficult and uncharted territory. Since he had managed to avoid dinner last weekend he knew his roommates would be extra intent on getting him to eat this time around. He wasn't doing this on purpose or anything he just wasn't really, in the mood. For just about everything. 

He decided to get off the tram at a stop earlier and walk to the grocery store for lemons. He had a plan. 

 

When he walked into the flat a good twenty minutes later Linn passed him on her way to the living room. "What's in the bag?" She asked, pointing to his single _MENY_ shopping bag. 

"Lemons," he responded, toeing off his shoes and placing his winter gear on various hooks. "I was thinking of making lemonade for us." 

Linn simply raises an eyebrow, "Really?"

"Yes! We all need vitamin C yknow??" He walks quickly to the kitchen and upturns the bag on the counter. 

He takes out the cutting board, a pot, and a knife and begins letting some water boil on the stove while he cuts open the lemons. He starts to pour in some sugar when Eskild saunters in. 

"Hei babygay, what're you making?"

Linn responds before he can, "He's making us lemonade. For the vitamin C." 

Isak whips his head at the kitchen table where Linn is, leaning back in one chair while drowning in her hoodie. "I thought you were watching tv."

She shrugs, "This seemed more interesting." 

Isak doesn't really know how to respond to that so he continues what he's doing. Luckily Eskild holds the conversation for them. 

"Well I think it's great that you're learning how to cook on your own, Isak. It shows responsibility." He wraps his arms around his shoulders and coos, "Our little son is growing up." 

Isak gently slaps his arm, "Okay two things: one, you're only a few years older than me and two, I literally cook dinner almost all the time."

"Yeah but Noora and you do it _sammen_. It's different." 

Isak scrunches up his face, "How so? Okay you know what? Nevermind." This wasn't how this night was supposed to go. 

Eskild leans back and looks at him, "I'm just kidding baby gay. It's nice that you wanna make this for us." 

Isak tries his best for a smile, "Yup." Normal. He has to look normal. 

By the time he's finished the lemonade Noora comes home and he can sit down and relax. Who knew standing up and smiling could take up so much energy. _He'd be less exhausted if he ate something_ a voice in the back of his head tells him but he ignores it. He watches Noora move all over the kitchen preparing their dinner. Usually he'd be up there with her but since he made drinks he has an excuse to relax. He listens to Eskild talk about his latest Grindr conquest and tries not to throw up from emotional nausea, and Noora tells them about the dickhead she finally managed to schedule an interview with. Isak manages a convincing laugh when she tells them about his weird dress sense. He even makes small conversation with Linn, nothing too outlandish, but he tries to school his features into something normal and interested. 

By the time the food is ready he feels like he's gotten more in control of his feelings and when Noora is setting the table he stands up to help place the food and drinks down. He's glad Noora chose to not make soup tonight. He would've worried about his plan failing but solid foods, he can work with that. 

Tonight she's made them vegan grilled chik'un with rice and steamed vegetables. He places a small serving of each on his plate and picks up his knife and fork. He glances around at his roommates before asking, "So what're your plans this weekend?" 

He watches Eskild bite into some broccoli, "Oh I dunno," he sighs out thoughtfully, "Jakob and I thought about going to a museum maybe but," he waves his hand airily as if to imply the plans aren't set in stone. 

Isak cuts his chik'un in half, "You don't like museums?" 

"I mean, I don't have any _problems_ with them or anything but well," he chuckles then, "you know me, baby gay, clubs and parties are more my scene." 

Isak is busy cutting each piece into thirds now when Linn tells them about a museum she went to a few years ago that had live models half naked covered in paint. Isak stabs a piece on his fork and holds it up near his mouth, "See Eskild, now _there's_ an exhibit you might like!" He laughs when Eskild widens his eyes in excitement. 

He notices that Noora's been quiet for a while so he looks at her quickly, desperate to keep the conversation going, "Do you like the lemonade?" He then picks up his own glass and takes a few sips. He can handle liquids right now and besides, lemons are good for the body and the last thing he wants to do is actually pass out. 

She smiles her lipstick smile and nods at him. "Yeah, it's good." She nods at his plate then and asks, "How's the chik'un, Isak? Is it good?" 

He looks in her eyes for any sort of suspicion but Noora looks genuinely curious so he doesn't worry. He nods, "Yeah it's really good, thanks for making it!" 

"It isn't too salty?"

He shakes his head. "Nope, it's fine." He looks down and contemplates cutting the pieces some more just so his arms look busy but he's worried Noora's still looking at him. 

Oh fuck, what was he going to talk about next? He had a whole plan. Okay, he was gonna ask Eskild about his plans and then - shit he already brought that up, he can't talk about it again because then it would look weird, or suspicious and he's not trying to raise any -

\- Noora fights through his inner freak out to say, "Try one of the charred lines then, yeah? It's really smoky." She cuts off a piece of her own and bites it, smiling a little. 

Isak blinks. Is she mocking him or something? He decides to go along with it and he spears his fork through one of the several broken up pieces on his plate. He doesn't think about anything when he quickly shoves it into his mouth and chews. He aims for casual as he nods slowly, still chewing, to say, "It's good." 

She smiles at him and he smiles back. He's still chewing and it's nothing but mush on his tongue. His molars have grinded it up well enough so why hasn't he swallowed it yet? 

_Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_

He has to swallow. He knows he has to do it so why can't he do it? He slowly reaches for his glass and takes a few gulps until he feels it go down, taking the already masticated chik'un piece with it. Okay so maybe that wasn't so bad. He looks down at his plate and counts the number of broccoli chunks. Five. He then counts the number of carrots and corn pieces as well. Eight and Thirteen. 

He knows he needs calcium in his diet so he forks three pieces of broccoli in his mouth and forces himself to swallow them down, chugging lemonade to help him do it. He's starting to feel full but he knows if he leaves now, it'll look suspicious. Maybe he could fake a headache? Claim he doesn't feel good and needs to lie down? Or would that be too much. It would probably be too much. 

He chances a quick look at the stovetop. He reckons in about ten minutes everyone should be finished and then his little façade would be over. He stabs two carrot pieces and puts it near his mouth and clears his throat, "So Linn, anything going on with you lately?" 

"No not really." She shrugs. 

Isak almost brains himself on the table. For fucks sake Linn, give him something to work with. He sighs, "Right. Well, how's your job?" 

"Fine, I guess?" She looks at him curiously before turning back to her meal. 

Everything is going downhill and no one seems to notice except for Isak. Okay well if no one wants to throw him a bone then so be it. He blabbers on for three minutes about this one article he's proofreading on campus life and how he had to edit out ten curse words in a single paragraph. He slides the carrots off his fork and pierces a small piece of chik'un as a replacement and he spends two minutes talking about Mahdi and Magnus' plans for a Halloween themed party even though it's not for another two and a half weeks. 

He chews the chik'un and moves it to the side of his mouth to ask Eskild if he wants to come and whether or not he should dress up, and when he starts passionately explaining about the importance of themes and costumes Isak uses his napkin to wipe his mouth and inconspicuously spit the piece of chik'un out, balling it up in his fist. 

Dinner passes quickly then, much quicker than he thought but he gladly welcomes it. He follows the same routine they always have by placing the dishes in the washer and when everyone stands up to place their dish in, he quickly scrapes his food on a napkin and stuffs it in his pocket before making his way to his room and locking the door. 

He leans back against its wooden frame and takes a few deep breathes to collect himself. There's no point stressing about what ifs; if he avoided suspicion then great but if he didn't he's not going to worry about it. What's done is done. He walks over to his trash can and throws the balled up napkin full of food in the trash, reminding himself to throw it out tomorrow morning. 

 

Tuesday was a blur. And wednesday wasn't much better. Thursday was...fine. But Isak was struggling. Not physically or anything, in fact he felt fine all things considered. He wasn't the type of person to count calories or obsess over his weight but he did feel strangely lighter? He had tried to eat a few bites of food here and there but eating too much just made him feel nauseous; and besides, what was the point in eating if you weren't really hungry to begin with? 

So he was fine physically. Mentally however was a whole other matter. Isak had started to feel agitated and irritable. He could feel himself getting annoyed at any little thing; if he rolled his eyes _one more time_ they were just gonna fall out of his fucking sockets. He glanced at the corner of his screen, just three more hours and he could go home. Three more hours and he could be in his bed, huddled under the covers. Maybe he could ask to borrow one of Eskild's icelandic wool blankets -

\- His fantasies were interrupted by Jonas, leaning against his cubicle casually with his hands in his pockets. "Everything good?" He asks. 

Isak nods up at him, "Yeah it's fine," he gestures at his computer then, "Just gotta proofread two more articles and then yeah, I'm set." 

"Cool. Did you read Even's article yet?" 

Isak's stomach almost winds up in his throat. "Uh no, not yet. Why, what's it about?" _Ten Ways To Stomp Someone's Heart_? 

"Well you know how last week we had extra room for an advice think piece column?" He watches Isak nod before continuing, "He mentioned a date he went on and suddenly he's gotten all these questions about dating and love advice." 

Isak feels all color drain out of his face. Even went on a date. With someone else. Someone else who isn't him. He wonders if he should applaud his subconscious for avoiding reading Even's article til the last minute, or if he should smack it in its face for still allowing him to be shocked and upset by this new revelation. He swallows his emotions down, "Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah! It's hilarious but also very...insightful too?" He shrugs, "I liked it." 

Isak doesn't really know what to say. 

"So anyways are you busy tonight? We could chill? I've got some new...stuff." 

Isak smirks then at the code word for weed. "New stuff?" He watches Jonas roll his eyes before shutting him down, "I dunno man, I'm kinda drained. I was thinking about like, heading to bed." 

"Yeah but that's all you've been up to lately, you never wanna hang with us anymore." 

Isak splutters, "I went to that party at Astrid's! Hva fæn!" 

Jonas makes an _enh_ sort of face, "Yeah but it's not just the parties. We should hang out as friends y'know? No parties or loud music or beer." 

"No beer? Who are you and what've you done with my best friend?" 

"Hold kjeft," Jonas smiles, eyebrows looking amused. "Everyone knows that weed is healthier than beer anyways, it's a plant." 

Isak mulls that over thoughtfully. "Hm. I don't think everyone thinks that, actually. But sure, I'll come." 

"Yeah?" Jonas asks, looking surprised. Geez has he really been neglecting their friendship this badly? He nods then and tells Jonas to save him a jay, gives him a friendly salute, and gets back to his work. 

 

When he gets to Jonas' place he's immediately enveloped in a hug from Magnus and slap hugs from Mahdi and Jonas. They spend two hours shooting the shit and playing video games and when he beats Jonas again for the third time Jonas says he's out. 

Isak watches him stand up before saying, "Loser has to buy pizza," and laughs when Jonas flips him off on the way to the kitchen. When he comes back a few minutes later with a small bag of greens all the boys start whooping. 

Jonas sits on the couch beside him and tosses him a joint before setting his stash on the table, bending down to carefully sprinkle a decent amount on the rolling paper, spreading it out evenly."

"Wait why does Isak get his own joint?" Magnus asks. 

He lights it and takes a hit before simply responding with, "Because." 

Magnus splutters, "Because?? Because what?" 

Jonas responds this time, "Sorry man, new best friend rules." 

Mahdi nods solemnly, "I can respect that."

Isak nudges his knee next to Jonas, "Did you order the pizza?" He watches Jonas nod. "Did you..."

"Remember to order yours with no cheese? Yeah." 

"That's kinda weird man. A veggie pizza with _no cheese_?" Mahdi says and shrugs, "But I can't really complain since I sometimes eat waffles like, almost everyday." 

Isak simply blows smoke in his face. He's turning too relaxed to want to roast right now. He says as much to Mahdi only to see him laugh. 

They spend the rest of the evening going through a decent chunk of Jonas' stash before chowing down on the pizza when it arrives twenty minutes later. Isak is pleasantly buzzed and when he opens his own medium size box and the hot, spicy whiff of pizza goodness puffs out he has to use too much brainpower to hold back a moan. Their usual pizza joint always hooks him up with extra toppings. He lifts up a slice fully loaded with diced peppers, mushrooms, onions, olives, and sun dried tomatoes. It's quiet in the room except for the occasional chewing noises when Jonas nudges his knee against Isak's. 

"I was thinking of making weed brownies next weekend." 

Isak lifts his eyebrows in surprise, "Oh really?" When he sees Jonas nod he continues, "Since when do you bake, man?" 

Jonas shrugs, "Since I found out edibles are too expensive. Plus smoking isn't really good on the lungs yknow?" He turns to look at Isak in confirmation before saying, "And yeah, what I'm getting at is do you wanna help me make them?"

"Yeah sure that'd be cool." 

Jonas nods then, "Oh and don't worry, they'll be vegan. I guess I'll just need an egg replacer?" 

Isak flicks through his brain for the minimal knowledge he has on vegan baking. "Okay yeah, you'll need almond milk instead of regular milk and-"

"-I already do that." 

Isak furrows his brows in confusion. "Do what?"

"Drink almond milk. I really despise the dairy industry."

Isak looks around at Mahdi and Magnus sporting equally confused faces. He turns back to Jonas and asks, "Okay? How come?"

Jonas sighs deeply and Isak already knows from being his best friend for several years now, that he's about to get an earful in the form of marxism. "Well first of all the whole advertising is just propaganda. They're brainwashing people into believing you _need_ milk for calcium but milk is actually shown to breakdown bone structure. You can get all the calcium you need from like, broccoli. And also, more than _half_ the world's population can't even properly digest it but yet they're trying to convince us that we need it? Nah bro. These companies are just gaining _profits_ on the pain of the people." 

"Damn." Mahdi says in surprise. "I didn't know that. But yeah he's right," he turns to Isak, "Practically my whole family is lactose intolerant." 

Jonas' eyes light up like _see_? He gestures to Mahdi, "Exactly. It's not even good for you but yet they want us to buy it." He huffs and shakes his head before taking a bite of pizza. 

"But does this mean I shouldn't drink it?' Magnus asks in surprise. 

"Not if you want to rebel against a terrible industry that harms both humans and animals." 

"Okay?" Magnus takes a bite of his pizza, flicking his gaze between Jonas and Isak. "I guess I could ask my mom not to buy milk anymore?" 

Jonas nods in satisfaction and Isak decides to interrupt. "Alright well, I'll ask Noora about an egg replacer, she might have some ingredients but like," he shrugs then, "Why can't you ask her for help? It could be really kose." 

He turns to study Jonas' face mulling it over. But he eventually shakes his in defeat, "She can't know about the weed though, she'd get disappointed." 

"Then just hide it in! Or make the first batch with her weed free and then make another one just for us." He starts to see the cogs turning in Jonas' head, his eyes slightly moving back and forth as he mulls over what Isak said. 

"That could actually work." He smiles. 

Isak leans back fully on the couch and shrugs, "Told you so." He whips his phone out of his jeans pocket and thumbs it open to the messaging app. When he gets finished texting Noora he clicks the screen off and tosses it on the coffee table in front of them. "Okay, it's done." 

"What'd she say?" 

Isak shrugs before replying, "Nothing yet but she'll definitely text back. Either she'll reply to me or just go straight to you, but yeah." 

Mahdi steps in then, "I don't get why you're so nervous bro. I know I've only met her a few times but it's clear that she's definitely interested." 

Jonas furrows his brows and Isak decides to comfort him with a knee nudge. "It'll work, trust me." 

They talk for the next ten minutes about the new Star Wars trailer when Jonas' phone pings. Isak, Mahdi, and Magnus whoop and cheer when Jonas smiles shyly and starts texting her back. Isak should be a love coach or something. He tells the boys as much only to get good natured roasts in return. Everything's fine in the world. 

 

*

 

The next time Isak sees Even he's in the hallway looking for the nearest water fountain. Earlier that day he had made a bullet point list of the Halloween themed articles everyone in the office could write about and by the time he had a break from editing to print them, he had started to feel a bit uneasy. _His blood sugar was low_ , said an unhelpful voice in the back of the head and when he bent down to press the go button on the copier he felt queasy and saw a few black spots in his vision. He needed water _fast_. 

So as he rounded the corner in the hallway, turning his head left and right in search for a fountain, he collided right into the last person he wanted to see. 

"Oof," he said in surprise, his arms flailing. Luckily Even had grabbed them to keep him steady. 

"Slow down, what's the rush?" He asked, a squinty smile spreading across his face. How Even could remain bubbly and cheerful this early in the day confused Isak. He shrugged in reply, muttering his need for the water fountain. 

Even jutted his chin in the direction behind Isak. "It's that way," he said, still holding Isak's arms but near the elbows, his grasp firm but still gentle. As if cradling a baby bird with an injured wing or a pathetic heartbroken boy on the verge of fainting. 

Isak nodded, looking down at his shoes. His adidas were suddenly so interesting. He felt Even shift in front of him. "Did you happen to read my article yet?" He asked, his voice an octave lower, as if it was a secret just between the two of them. 

Isak thought back to earlier that same day when he decided to bite the bullet and read Even's article. He tried to be as professional and unemotional as possible but he found himself aggressively highlighting grammatical errors or underlining words that had been repeated too often in a single paragraph. He gets it, the mood lighting at the bar was good, the food was good, the conversation was good - doesn't mean one should repeat the same adjective fifty thousand goddamn times. 

So yeah, it was fine. Isak is totally nonchalant about the whole thing. He shrugs, completely casual, "Yeah it's good. I've emailed you my notes on it." He looks up to see Even nod nervously, "Cool," he glances down the hallway before asking quietly, "But did you like it though?" 

Isak frowns then. Why is Even asking him this? Why does he care what Isak thinks about his article? Whatever he's feeling he knows he can't be honest with Even about it, that would just make him look more stupid and pathetic than he actually is. Isak is many things, but his pride is sometimes his one redeeming quality. He stands up a little straighter and cocks an eyebrow, "It was a little over the top to be honest. I mean it's just my opinion but I don't think describing the food is all that necessary to an article about relationships." 

"Oh," Even says in surprise. "I guess you're right." 

_I know I'm right,_ Isak thinks bitterly but bites his tongue. 

"I guess I ran out of things to write and was trying to just meet the word count," he huffs out an awkward laugh. When Even glances back up at Isak's less than amused face he changes the subject. "Listen," but before Even can finish though, Isak steps back. 

"I'd really like to talk but I gotta find that water fountain." He smiles apologetically and briskly walks away because nope. Not today satan. Isak knows that whatever Even was about to say to him would probably make him feel worse than he already is so its in his best self interest to just not listen. Plus if he doesn't drink water soon...

Luckily the fountain is right where Even said it would be and he quickly bends down to chug as much as he can. He needs to fill up his stomach before things go from bad to worse. He knows he's running on empty and he promises himself that if he feels any worse he'll take one of the granola bars in the break room. He just has to get over these few bumps in the road and put his head down, work hard, and everything will be fine. 

Isak loses himself in work for the rest of the day, thanking every deity he doesn't believe in that there are distractions he can use to escape from how shitty and gray he feels. On his way out the building he remembered to grab a granola bar and now, as he stands on the tram, he's grateful for his past self. He opens the wrapper and slowly breaks it in half and pockets the rest for later. He tries not to think about anything or anyone while he bites into the bar. 

He hears the dinging sound of his phone and thumbs it open to look at the messages he's received. There's one from Even; a very long detailed text and he can see more bubbles which means another diary long message will come in soon after. Isak skims it and makes out the words _apology_ and _friends_ and immediately switches to the message Eskild sent asking if he wants alfredo for dinner or grilled cheese with basil salad. Two meals Isak really enjoys but the thought of sitting up and smiling and laughing, pretending to everyone around the dinner table that everything is fine sounds like a nightmare scenario. No, he just wants to go in his room lay down and forget this day ever happened. He texts Eskild back about dinner and how he has a terrible migraine and will have to skip it since his head hurts so much. He pockets his phone away when Eskild sends back two heart emojis and a get well soon. 

 

When he comes home he mindlessly toes off his shoes and hangs up his coat and scarf on the wall hooks and makes his way to his room. Once inside he haphazardly throws his outer clothes on the floor and crawls into bed. Twenty minutes later he pulls the covers up to his ears and drifts off to sleep with the smells of buttered bread and freshly chopped basil. 

 

*

 

After a long day at work Isak craves a coffee and makes his way to the nearest KB. He stands in line behind a few other people and studies the menu. Everything is either full of animal products or too fattening. He tries to ignore the anxiety quelling up in his gut. 

When it's his turn to order Isak asks for a small black coffee with no milk or cream. He takes the sugar packets the barista gave him and tosses it on the table in front of him. Sighing out he blows on his coffee to cool it before taking a sip. The bitter liquid's warmth spreads its way to his chest and it's the closest thing he's felt to a positive emotion in days. He's still dredging through the mess that is his mind, and he feels mentally drained pretty much every day now. Work is work; still an escape from his thoughts but tiring by constantly continuing to pretend to be normal and fine, and at home? Well, home is a different type of pretending. He's surprised that his roommates still haven't caught on to his...situation yet. 

_Maybe they already know but don't care enough to ask you about it_ , says the kind voice in his head. It's been getting harder and harder to ignore his self deprecating thoughts lately. Isak knows this road, and he's been down it before, and the last thing he needs is to be so under that he spaces out completely or passes out or winds up in hospital. He doesn't need the complications of that. 

But it's so hard to fight it and it's a special kind of torture to feel like your own brain is an enemy hellbent on trying to sabotage you. 

It's then when he hears the bell above the door ring, and when he looks up to see Even unwrapping his long scarf from around his mouth and neck, his red cheeks and nose stained from the cold Isak feels his heart stop beating. He feels frozen to the spot and hopes that Even won't see him sitting down and try to talk to him again and oh fuck he's coming over. 

Even pulls out the opposite chair and promptly sits down in it, staring at Isak apologetically. "Hey Isak." 

Isak says hello while staring down at the table. 

"I usually come in here everyday for a coffee just to perk myself back up after work." He nods down at Isak's own coffee. "Seems like you had the same idea too, huh?" 

"Yeah," Isak mumbles. 

"Look," Even says gently, "About what I said earlier, everything's fine. I mean, nothing has to change y'know?" 

Isak doesn't say anything. God, he hates this. He hates feeling so small and embarrassed and just plain stupid. Here Isak had hoped that maybe things would eventually settle and they'd both forget about how sad and pathetic Isak has been but apparently -

\- Isak jerks his hand back after he feels Even gently grab it and tries not to send daggers towards his gaze but it's unsuccessful since Even shrinks back slowly and bites his lip. "What?" He asks roughly. 

"I was just wondering how you're doing." 

"How I'm _doing_?" Isak asks loudly. He can see Even flinch and glance around the room, checking to see if anyone is watching them. Isak doesn't really give a shit. _Fuck them if they are_ , he thinks to himself. He's tired of caring about things. 

Even leans back in and Isak really really wishes he wouldn't get so close. "Yeah I was thinking about you. I mean, we haven't really hung out in a while." 

_And who's fault is that_? Isak thinks to himself. He doesn't know how to respond. He doesn't even know what to feel at this point. He looks down at his hands; his nail beds are suddenly so interesting. "You've been busy, I get it."

"Yeah but," Even sighs out, "I could've returned your texts. Or said hi to you in the breakroom more; try to make actual conversation with you, or even by your desk since you never seem to go in there anymore." 

When Isak looks up at his face it's almost shocking. Even looks...somber. What is he sad for? Isak thought Even hated him, didn't want anything to do with him anymore. He watches Even bite his lip before bending down to pick up something wrapped in aluminum foil, placing it on the center of the table. "I made something for you." 

He delicately unwraps the foil and pushes it gently towards him. "A muffin?" Isak asks dumbly. He watches Even nod slowly, still biting his lip. "What's it for?" 

"It's for being a dick. I fucked up and like, started thinking things over and over and I just." He sighs before looking at Isak intensely, "I really want us to be friends, Isak." 

Isak furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "You didn't fuck up."

Even laughs humorlessly, "I definitely did and it's okay. I'll try to be better in the future." He gives a small smile. "And yeah, anyways, the muffin is vegan so you can eat it. I tried baking them three times before I got it exactly right." 

Isak nods slowly and breaks off a piece to look inside. "Blueberry?" 

Even sits up straighter then, "Yeah. At first I wasn't sure what flavor to use but I thought, who doesn't like blueberry yknow? It's so good." 

"I'm allergic," Isak lies. 

"Oh," Even frowns. "Well I guess you could give it to someone else. Maybe one of your flatmates might like it." 

"Like Noora?" 

Even looks down at the table then and mumbles, "Yeah, like Noora. I'm sure she'd appreciate you giving her baked goods." He looks back up and tries to smile but even through the fog of Isak's depression, he knows it's fake. 

He doesn't call Even out though. He simply wraps the muffin back up. It looks good but Isak just can't...eat it. And he doesn't want to be rude and tell Even that, or worse have him ask questions, so yeah. He'll give it to Noora. Or maybe Eskild or Linn. Someone will definitely eat it. Someone who isn't him. 

Even is straight up just staring at him now. His wide blue eyes look sad and Isak can't really stand it. It makes his chest hurt. He contemplates leaving the shop but he was here first and also, he doesn't want to make Even look even more sad. It's awkward still as the minutes pass, and Even keeps staring at him. He tries not to squirm under his gaze but it's hard not to. 

"What're you thinking right now?" Even asks gently.

Isak quickly glances at him before staring out the window and shrugs. "Nothing." 

"I know you're thinking something." 

Isak shakes his head then, "Nope, nothing." 

He hears Even sigh. "Isak, we can't be friends if we don't talk about-" 

"-Talk about what? What do you want to talk about Even, hm? Please, enlighten me." Isak's getting angry now. He's suddenly out of his depressive episode and now he's pissed. He feels like a ball of rage, like when a dying star is about to expand and release a huge amount of energy except this time it's a bitchy mood to people who hurt him and try to ignore it and simply let it placate in the form of fucking _muffins_ that Isak isn't even gonna eat because _fuck you, that's why_. 

Even simply looks back down at the table then. "I know you're mad now but later on maybe you'll realize why I had to pull away the way I did." He looks up at Isak then, his blue eyes so genuine and honest, "It wasn't - I - sometimes things get too much y'know?" 

Isak leans back in his chair and exhales all the fight out of him. He's suddenly very tired, "Yeah I get it." 

"I know things are rocky right now but I'm really certain that they won't be. I really do miss being friends with you, Isak." 

Isak slowly nods. 

"Maybe we could hang out next friday? Do something fun?"

"Okay," Isak agrees. "You wanna come over? We could bake something?" 

He looks up to see Even - he kindof looks upset if he's being completely honest. Isak watches him take a big breath and school his features into something less...heartbroken? 

"No Isak, I won't be doing...that." He runs his fingers through his already messy hair, "But I mean, we could go to a restaurant? Eat something cool." 

"Something cool?" Isak asks, confused. 

"Yeah," Even nods, confidently. "You can take me to one of your vegan joints." 

Isak nods and uses what little energy he has left to smile at Even and it's worth it when Even smiles twice as brightly, his eyes crinkling up. "Okay." 

Even tilts his head, still smiling at Isak. "Okay." 

If Even wants to just be friends, then that's something he'll work on being okay with. 

When Isak eventually leaves the cafe to go home Even makes him pinky promise that they'll hang out soon. He laughs brightly, for the first time in ages, and says yes. He'll try and find a cool spot for them to hang out in; he promptly blocks the part of his brain desperately telling him to freak out over the idea of playing his food game with Even. _What if he sees right through him_? He panic thinks to himself on the tram journey home. What if Even is more perceptive than his flatmates are? 

What could he even say to Even if he found out? They had promised to be friends again, and to be honest with each other, so if it came down to it Isak would have to be honest with him as to why he's doing this. 

But there's no way to make it sound less bad than it is. _Hey Even, oh what? He noticed that Isak isn't eating? Well, funny story, but he actually developed a complex about like, who he is as a person. And part of it was actually contributed by Even ghosting him out. Isn't rejection awesome?_ But he couldn't go through with saying that to Even, he'd feel guilty. And it's not really his fault either if Isak's being completely honest with himself. He's always had bad eating habits and problems with food. He thinks it's his parents fault. 

But blaming his parents for his eating problem isn't going to change anything though. It's best to just ignore it and let it go. And Isak is the _master_ of ignoring his problems in the hopes that he doesn't have to deal with them. 

When he gets to the flat he goes up the stairs slower than he usually would. It's just, there's so many, and he's really really tired. His legs feel tingly and he's instantly reminded of that diagram in gym class about how the body's muscles need oxygen to function properly. That's how he feels now; like all the oxygen is sucked out of his muscles. He needs to sit down. 

He leans against the wall and hugs his knees to his chest, squinting his eyes tightly shut to try and avoid what his body wants to do next. He has to fight through it and eventually the black spots clear from his vision and he gains enough energy to go up the rest of the stairs. He pulls out his keys, turns the lock, and bursts inside, making quick work of taking off his shoes and outer layers. He wants, no, _needs_ to lay down. 

Once he throws his coat and scarf in the general vicinity of the wall hooks in the hallway he goes in his rooms, kicks the door shut, and jumps on the bed. He stays face down on top of his duvet for several minutes before feeling his phone vibrate with a text. 

**Even:** I hope you're looking at reviews online, searching for the best vegan food  
**Isak:** Excuse me?? I just got home  
**Even:** I like Mexican food. But really any place is good. And make sure there's a decent drinks menu  
**Isak:** omg you're too much  
**Even:** :)!!! are you looking right now?  
**Isak:** ugh  
**Even:** whaaaat?  
**Even:** I wanna be wined and dined Isak  
**Isak:** it'll be someplace nice don't worry  
**Even:** det er veldig viktig  
**Isak:** okay some place cool. got it  
**Isak:** ha det  
**Even:** ha det venn!!

 

Isak rolls his eyes at how dramatic Even is and thumbs open safari, typing in cool vegan restaurants in Oslo. He scrolls for a while and bookmarks the ones that look cool and promises himself he'll check out the drink menus later. For now he has to lay down and think about nothing. 

He puts his phone on the night stand to charge and maneuvers under the covers, stripping down to just his tee shirt and boxers. He stares at the ceiling to go over everything that happened earlier today. 

If Even really wants to be friends again then why doesn't he want to come over? Their whole friendship started on food, and having fun making it. So what's his deal with it now? 

Maybe he doesn't want to wind up in an awkward situation like last time, his brain kindly thinks to himself. But if Even really finds Isak so abhorrently unattractive then why did he kiss him? It just doesn't make any sense and the more he tries to understand, the more frustrated and worked up he becomes. He knows it's not healthy and that he should let it go but he can't help but think it anyways. Is there something wrong with him? He doesn't think he's a fucking model or anything but he was under the impression that he wasn't ugly either. 

His chest is starting to hurt when he gets a knock on his door. 

"Isak," Eskild says, "You've left your coat and scarf on the floor." 

_Shit_ , he thinks to himself. He stands up and walks to open his door and is greeted with Eskild watching him calmly. "Yeah, sorry." He walks over to pick the items up and hang them on hooks. 

He sees Eskild wave his hand, "It's fine baby gay, I just wanted to get you out of your room." 

Isak is suddenly aware of how exposed he is in a thin cotton shirt and shorts. Does his weight loss look more noticeable now? He needs to get on top of this before Eskild thinks something is up. "Haha well you've seen that I'm not dead to the world so," he shuffles back in his room but Eskild leans against the doorframe so he can't close it. 

"Don't you wanna eat dinner with us, baby gay?" 

Isak gives no expression while his heart fights to beat out of his chest. He tries to look remorseful, "Mm nei, the reason I rushed here so fast is because I think I'm coming down with something." 

Eskild looks like a concerned mother now, "Oh? Did you need anything? Want me to make you some ginger tea?" 

He's suddenly overwhelmed by the generosity of his roommates. He doesn't deserve it. "I could make it myself," he says to his socked feet. 

"Nonsense, it's not a problem. I was about to make myself some anyways. I've been chatting with this cutie at my job, Carl, and he got me a box of chamomile. How sweet is that?" He watches Eskild turn on his heels and walk towards the kitchen. 

Sometimes he feels like he takes advantage of his roommates kindness. He feels guilt for lying to Eskild about the real reason why he's not hungry but he's not ready for them to know the truth yet. Isak knows he's fucked up inside and out but he's not ready for everyone else to know that either. He mumbles a quiet thanks to Eskild when he brings him some tea. 

Isak drinks it and pretends that his nausea is from a cold and not anything else. 

 

 

*

 

Next Friday is a blur of moments that Isak is too lazy to process properly. There's a few snapshots of him getting up, disassociating at work, tram rides, dinner, and showering. Isak has reached the point in his depression where he turns from distraught to apathetic about pretty much everything. He feels numb to most things but he's trying to smile and be normal around Even. 

Even is excited on the walk to the restaurant and the bright blinding smiles he keeps sending to Isak are infectious. He's bouncing and walking so quickly that Isak has to remind him a few times to wait for him to keep up. "I just can't help it!" Even says, smiling at Isak. 

"Yeah I know, you've talked about it nonstop," Isak responds. He opens the door for Even to walk through and when they're seated at a booth he watches Even look around the room at the various mirrors and cool trinkets, wide open smile on his face. 

"So what drinks are you gonna get?" Isak asks, watching as Even turns back around to suddenly focus back on him. 

"Um, probably a fun martini." Even furrows his brows in concentration, studying the drinks menu in front of him. 

"A _fun_ martini?" 

"Yeah something sweet and-" He stops himself then to look at Isak. "Wait a minute, you've had a martini before, right?" A little crease line appears on Even's forehead. Isak stares at it then before shrugging a response.

"No?" The worry line gets deeper this time. "Isak please tell me you've had a martini before, okay?" 

Isak rolls his eyes at Even's theatrics. "I mean I might've had one once a long time ago. I dunno. Why, is it a big deal?" 

Even's eyes get wider, "Why is it a _big deal_? Isak, you wound me. Martinis are a classic drink. They can be sour, they can be sweet-"

"- I don't like sweet drinks." He huffs out a laugh when Even puts a hand over his chest, acting like his heart is breaking. 

It's then that the waiter comes over and they decide to share an appetizer. He thumbs through the menu and overhears Even ordering two Cosmopolitans. His head shoots up to stare at Even like a deer caught in headlights. When the waiter walks off he asks, "Did you order one of those drinks for me?" 

Even raises his eyebrows almost comically, "Um don't be so self centered, Isak. They're both _clearly_ for me." He winks at him before looking down at his own menu. 

"I've never had a cosmopolitan before," he says thoughtfully. He's more of a beer or pint kind of a guy. 

"Well this is a night of many firsts then." Even smiles at him, "I've never had vegan food and you've never had a martini." 

The waiter returns with their drinks and appetizer. Isak hums thoughtfully, "Lots of cherries are being popped tonight." He laughs when he sees Even choke on a sip of his drink, coughing and spluttering. "Nice." 

Even shakes his head in disbelief, "Isak Valterson, are you trying to kill me?" 

Isak shrugs and takes a sip of his drink which is way too fucking sweet. "Eugh how can you drink this stuff?" 

"You don't like it?" 

Isak stares at him until Even slowly nods in understanding, "Okay got it, I'll just drink yours then." Isak pushes it towards him and watches Even sip back the whole thing in ten seconds. 

"That's crazy. It's not even good." He rolls his eyes fondly when Even does that weird winking thing. "So anyways, what did you order us? What's this fried stuff?" He looks down and pokes at one of the fried nugs. It's piping hot which means it just came out the fryer. 

"It's fried mushroom bites." Even points to the two different sauce containers, "This one is cheesy garlic sauce and the red one is a sweet and sour sauce." 

Isak nods, "Cool." He tries to remain casual even though every bone in his body is telling him to flee. He looks up at Even then and gestures to the plate of food, "Well go on then, try one."

He watches Even closely as he slowly picks up a nug. His facial expressions range from hesitant curiosity to surprise and then to a smile. Isak raises his eyebrows, "Good?" 

Even nods several times very quickly, "You should try one," he says, immediately grabbing another one and dunking it in the garlic sauce. 

Isak picks one up and tries not to think as he slowly bites into it. The hot crispy texture is packed with a bunch of different flavors and spices. He glances up at Even smiling at him in excitement. "See? It's good right," he asks before digging into another one, this time with the red sauce. 

Isak subtly places his half eaten one in the napkin on his lap. He takes a sip of water and watches Even dig in. Even though they both agreed to be friends, and Isak is more than happy to be close to Even in any way, but friend or not, he still can't deny how good he looks. Even now with a smudge of garlic sauce on his chin and his cheeks slightly puffed up from stuffing food in his face, he still looks drop dead gorgeous. 

Isak asks with a smirk, "So. You like vegan food huh?" 

Even nods enthusiastically and reaches for yet another nug before looking up at Isak curiously, "You're not hungry?" He asks.

Isak shakes his head, "I had a pretty big, late lunch today." He watches Even nod at his reply, seeming to believe him. It's surprisingly easy to lie tonight. 

When the waiter comes back with their meals Even puts his hand on his chest and pretends to faint after taking the first bite of his veggie cheeseburger. Isak lets out a bright laugh, "You're ridiculous, Even." He can feel his cheeks get sore from how wide he's smiling, laughing at Even's antics. 

He watches him eat for a while, twirling pasta on his fork and lifting it up near his mouth. The next time the waiter comes to their table to refill their glasses of water he asks for a box to go. 

Even lifts his head up from over his plate, confusion written all over his face. "You're not leaving are you?" He asks. When Isak says no he smiles brightly, "Good. I still need to work my way through this drinks menu." He then lifts up said menu, his eyes scanning over the page. 

"Do you even have room left for another drink?" Isak asks. 

Even lifts his eyebrows up and down like a dork. "I always make room." 

Isak furrows his brows, "Okay?" 

Even then quickly changes the subject back to his burger. He breaks off a piece for Isak to try and since he's put on the spot he just goes along with it. He takes a small bite and chews thoughtfully. 

"Well?" Even asks, scanning his face, "It's good right?" When Isak nods Even smiles very satisfied. "Told you." 

Isak splutters then, "I'm the one who took _you_ here! I know the food is good, Even." He rolls his eyes, more from fondness than annoyance at this point, when Even gasps dramatically. 

Even widens his eyes, trying to mimic surprised heartbreak, "Isak how _could you_?" 

Isak huffs out a small laugh when he feels his phone vibrate in his pocket. 

**Noora:** You're missing "family dinner" as Eskild puts it. Where are you anyway?  
**Isak:** I'm hanging with Even I'll be home soon  
**Noora:** Okay I'll tell him. Ha det  
**Isak:** Ha det

 

While Isak quickly types a message to Eskild telling him he'll be back later he doesn't notice Even shifting his worried gaze from his phone to his face in rapid succession. Once he sends the text he sighs and opens the take away box to scoop his creamy alfredo pasta in. 

Even quietly asks, "Heading out?" 

Isak shakes his head, "Nah I'm just making room on the table." He folds the box up and slides it to his left and places the empty plate on the edge of the table so the waiter can easily take it. "Someone has to help you go through all these drinks." 

Even smiles brightly then, "You're having a drink?" When Isak nods Even's smiles so much his eyes aren't visible anymore. 

When their waiter comes back they both order another drink; Even gets an espresso martini and Isak gets a cranberry vodka drink. Even convinces him to try his martini and bursts into laughter at Isak's scrunched up face. It's way too bitter and sickly sweet at the same time. Isak doesn't like it. 

After ten more minutes sipping their drinks they split the bill and walk back to the tram stop. When it comes a minute later Even sits in a seat, leaning his head back slightly. He's pleasantly tipsy, Isak can definitely tell. "Did you have fun?" Isak asks.

Even hums pleasantly and squints up at Isak to ask, "Why're you standing up?" 

Isak shrugs. Even doesn't need to know that it's to burn off calories, not that he really cares. He sometimes prefers to just stand. He changes the subject. "Are you gonna be able to make it home tonight?" he asks. Isak's stop is a few earlier than Even's but he won't mind skipping it if Even is too drunk to make it alone. 

"Yeah I'll be alright," he replies. Isak watches as Even lifts his hand slowly to poke Isak. "You worried about me?" 

Isak rolls his eyes. "Uh yeah obviously, you're a huge fucking lightweight." 

Even waves his hand airily as if to convey that it doesn't really matter. "It's fine. I don't really drink often because it could mess up my meds." 

Isak tilts his head in confusion. "Your meds?" He asks, curiously.

Even nods. "Mmh." 

Isak decides to let it go for now. He's spent so long deflecting and changing the subject when it came to his own issues, he decides to be selfless for once and change the subject for Even's sake too. Besides, it's not fair to try and find out someone's secrets when they're drunk and their defenses are down. 

"Hey did you see Mikael's party invite on facebook?" He asks. 

Even squints, as if trying to muster enough brain power to remember, "I think so?" 

"Yeah, apparently he and Astrid run in the same friend circle." He scans Even's face before asking, "So are you thinking of maybe going? I'll be there." 

"Wait, you know Astrid?" Even asks. 

Isak nods. He glances out the window and makes out a familiar street in the dark night. "My stop is coming up." He shuffles towards the side door and smiles at Even. "Just think about it, yeah?" He turns and steps out, waving at Even who's leaning against the window watching him. When the tram drives off he crosses the street to head home. 

 

*

 

Isak and Even decide to meet up after work and take the tram to Astrid's together. They've both planned to dress nicely; Even wears a white tee, jeans, and his denim jacket and Isak goes for a gray button down and black skinny jeans. 

"You look nice," Even says, gesturing to Isak's ensemble. 

Isak thanks him and is about to compliment Even as well when the tram pulls up. They get on and find a small corner to stand a bit further away from the other people on the tram. Isak holds on to the railing as tightly as he can; he's had a few beers already and is reaching the point between tipsy to pleasantly buzzed. He feels good. 

Luckily Even holds the conversation for the both of them. He talks about his film project and how he plans on saving enough money for a boom mic, he talks about the vegan mayo he ordered online and how excited he is to try it, and finally the topic turns to him being curious about potential hookups. 

"You're hooking up tonight?" Isak asks, surprise in his voice. 

Even nods excitedly, "Yeah, hopefully."

Huh. Isak doesn't really know what to say. Except - "Wait, what happened to your date?" 

Even raises his eyebrows, "My date?" 

"Yeah your date for the paper. You said you went on a date and learned a lot about-" 

"-Oh that," Even laughs out. "Yeah, that was a while ago." 

Isak tilts his head. "It wasn't _that_ long ago, Even." 

Even huffs out a small, awkward laugh. "Well it didn't really work out anyways." His big blue eyes scan Isak's concerned face, "But don't worry, I'm fine with it." He gestures down to his outfit, "This is my lucky outfit."

"Your lucky outfit?" Isak asks.

"Yup. So hopefully I'll, you know," his raise his eyebrows up and down like a dork. 

Isak finishes Even's sentence for him, "So hopefully you'll get lucky?" He rolls his eyes fondly at Even's theatrics and tries to tamper down the bubbling jealousy rolling around in his stomach. He has to relax. Even isn't his; he's free to be with whoever he wants. 

And maybe Isak should hookup with someone too. He's single, and maybe a little socially awkward, but who isn't? It's Norway. Everyone is quiet and introverted. Isak will be fine. Maybe. Hopefully. 

He needs a beer. Or maybe one of Mahdi's sickeningly sweet mixed drinks. 

 

It's been a couple of hours since they came into the party and split up in different rooms. Since Isak can't find Mahdi, or Even, or basically any familiar face he heads to the kitchen to make his own drink instead; half cranberry apple juice and half vodka. With a little extra rum. He downs it all in just a few gulps, ignoring the burn in the back of his throat. He begins to make another strong drink and feels the warmth of someone's arm brushing against his. He assumes they're just passing through but when the arm in question stays Isak decides to look up and see who it is. 

A tall boy with buzzed brown hair and brown eyes smirks at him. He nods at Isak's drink, "Can you make me one of those?" 

Isak glances at his drink before looking back at the boy. "I guess I can? I mean, it's not very impressive." 

"What's in it? Besides five shots worth of rum." He smiles. 

In Isak's drunken haze he's starting to wonder if maybe this boy is flirting with him. He shrugs and starts pouring some alcohol in a different cup for him, "Do you want one or not?" 

The boy puts his hands up to appease, "Alright alright, I won't ask questions. A drink is a drink, right?" 

Once Isak gets finished pouring in some fruit juice to counteract the bitterness of the hard liquor, he turns to give the drink to his new acquaintance and his knuckles brush against the hardness of his chest. He looks up into - "What's your name?" 

Nameless boy furrows his brows and smiles, "You don't know my name, Isak? It's Erik." 

"Oh," Isak nods his head in thought. "Wait, you know my name?" 

Erik shrugs, "Unless there's any other hot Isak's around campus then no. We had a few classes together last semester. It's okay if you don't remember me though. I didn't have the balls to talk to you back then." 

And Isak is shocked by this revelation. He thinks deeply, too deeply in his inebriated state but he does; here's a guy who likes Isak. Maybe not romantically, but enough to want to kiss him. Here's a guy who wants to kiss him and not avoid him like the plague or play mind games. Isak nods to himself. If Even can pretend like what they did never happened, and go on dates, and hook up with other people then so can he. He uses his free hand to grab the back of Erik's head and presses their lips together. 

He feels Erik place his hand around Isak's waist, moving it up and down from his shoulder blades to his hip until it lands on his ass. He moans into Erik's mouth when he feels him squeeze Isak there. Isak winds his hands on the back of Erik's neck, roaming his buzzed hair. It's soft under his palms and fingertips. 

The alcoholic drinks on the counter are long forgotten now. 

All of the shots and drinks from earlier in the night still swarm his head until he feels light and airy, like he's floating, and the only thing grounding him in place is Erik's hands now on hips keeping him still. 

He can feel himself start to harden in his pants and from the sounds Erik is making in his mouth, he's feeling the same way. Erik breaks their kissing to gently bite and kiss Isak's neck, which causes Isak to close his eyes and let the feeling consume him. See? He thinks to himself. He can do this. He leans his head back so Erik has more room to give him a hickey when he feels someone grab his shoulder to pull him back. 

He stumbles, trying to catch his footing after being rudely interrupted. He quickly whips around to see who had the gaul to interrupt them when he looks up into Even's angry blue eyes, his jawline clenching in anger. 

"Isak, stop." 

And Isak _does_ stop, for a moment at least. He squints his eyes in suspicion. Why does Even suddenly care about what he's doing? Especially when earlier tonight he told Isak he had plans to hookup with someone; but if Isak does the same thing then he gets upset? 

Isak pushes his shoulder in anger, "Fuck you, Even." It's not as impressive or strong as it could've been if Isak was sober but he gets his point across anyway. "Who do you think you are? To tell me what I can and can't-" 

"-This isn't right," Even interjects, shaking his head in disappointment. 

Erik awkwardly asks, "Um, are you two boyfriends? Is that what this is about?" When Isak shoots him a glare Erik shakes his head and lifts his hands up, "Hey man, I just don't wanna be in any drama." 

"There isn't any drama, and we aren't together," Isak spits out. "I wouldn't want to date someone who's a hypocritical dick." 

He hears Even huff out an unamused laugh. "Wait so _I'm_ the hypocrite in this scenario? Not you?" 

Isak scrunches up his eyebrows in frustration. "How would I be the hypocrite, Even?" 

He watches as Even runs his fingers through his hair. This has to be seriously upsetting him then since Even usually never touches his hair if he can help it. "You just lie. You lie all the time, and it's not okay." 

Isak feels his blood boiling as he yells out, "I'm not a liar! If anyone is a liar it's _you_. You say you're fine with being friends but now you want to judge me for what I choose to do in my free time? Fuck you!" He pushes Even out of his way and leaves the room. Once he finds the nearest available door he quickly yanks it open and stumbles inside. He may be running on adrenaline right now but he's still drunk enough to have his motor senses impaired. 

He sits down by the door and, after checking to make sure it's locked, wraps his arms around his knees. He tries to slow his breathing but it's difficult when images of what just happened keep popping up in his mind. His stomach feels tied up in knots and - _God_ , he hates this nervous, jittery feeling he has now. It feels like every nerve in his body is lit; like his bloodstream has an electric current running through it. He takes a deep breath when he hears a gentle knock on the door and a faint, "Isak?" 

Why is Even still here? Why would he show up to talk to Isak again? Does he want another fight? Isak doesn't think he can go through another fight tonight, drunk or not. He clears his throat before asking, "What do you want, Even?" 

"I just want to apologize. You're right it's none of my business-" 

Isak yanks open the door and, still sitting on the floor, glares up at Even. "Well?" He says, moodily, "Get on with it?" 

Even looks down at his feet, his expression full of remorse and right when he's about to speak Isak interrupts him again. "Because I hope whatever you have to say is actually good enough to make me want to be friends with someone who's so judgemental." 

Even sighs, "Yeah, I deserve that." He quickly looks up from the floor into Isak's angry gaze and continues with, "You're right, I'm a judgemental asshole and I'm sorry." He slowly shakes his head, "I guess I just let my jealousy get the best of me, but you're too important to lose over," he waves his hand in the air, "My drama, I guess." 

Isak nods slowly until a beat later, when he fully processes what Even just told him. Wait. "Jealousy? You're jealous of me?" 

Even bites his lip and picks at his hands. Isak asks again and watches Even shrug and sigh out dramatically, "Maybe a little bit-" 

"-Why?" Isak asks confused. He can't imagine someone as great as Even would ever be jealous of _anybody_ let alone a socially awkward dork like him. 

Even furrows his eyebrows before quietly saying, "Because I realized I'm just another guy." He looks up into Isak's eyes and continues when he's met with a blank stare. "Like, you're absolutely right in that it's not my place to judge you and it's not fair and I'm sorry. If you and Noora have an open relationship then that's none of my business." 

Isak blinks. 

And he blinks again. 

He tries to process what Even just said but he must have clearly misheard him because what? 

"Wait a minute," he holds up his hand to make sense of all this. "You think I'm dating Noora? Are you serious?" 

Even's bottom lip comes out from behind his teeth and he frowns in confusion, "You two aren't together?" 

"No!" Isak splutters out. 

Isak watches as Even goes from confused to embarrassed; it's cute when a small blush rises on his cheeks. "Oh gosh," he says, covering his face with his big hands, "I don't know what to say. I thought you two were either in an open relationship or that you were cheating on her." 

Isak snorts in disbelief, "Yeah no, I'm definitely not dating Noora. She's just my friend. I thought I told you that?" He looks up at Even's red face before continuing, "Even, you know that. Like - you know I'm gay, right?" 

Even simply stares at him. 

This is crazy. Isak needs to take charge of this. He gestures at himself, "I'm gay. Okay?" He tries to hold in his laughter over how ridiculous this entire situation is. He watches Even breathe a long sigh and nod his head in understanding. 

"So are we good?" Isak asks. When Even nods, he leans back against the wall, satisfied. "Good." 

He closes his eyes and concentrates on the thumping baseline music that's playing in the living room. There are a myriad of loud voices and drunk laughter filtering in but even over all those other sounds Isak can hear the shuffling of legs walking closer to him. He can sense Even sit down besides him, moving his long, gangly limbs into a more comfortable position. "What's up?" He mumbles. 

Even's voice is warm and gravely as he speaks in Isak's ear. "So I guess I don't have to feel guilty for kissing you anymore." 

Isak smiles, "No you don't." With his eyes still closed its challenging to roll them but he puts just enough annoyed conviction in his voice, so Even knows how ridiculous the situation was. "I still can't believe you thought I was in a relationship with Noora." 

"To be fair you guys seem really close and comfortable around each other." 

Isak hums. "That's because she helped me back when I was really fucked up. She's so knowledgeable on food and nutrition and like, she just helped me understand a lot." He opens his eyes to see Even nod in thought. 

He watches as Even leans back against the wall, slowly sighing out before turning his head, grinning at him. "So does this mean I can take you out on a date now?"

Isak can feel his face heat up as he bites his lip. He slowly nods. 

And when Even moves even closer to him, guiding his chin up to meet him halfway into a kiss, Isak isn't nervous or confused or wondering what they are. With that one kiss it feels world changing and poetic. It feels like the closing of a chapter and the end of his worries. With this kiss it feels like spring forming, like something new has blossomed between them. Something that Isak is wholeheartedly ready to welcome into his heart. 

 

***

 

**Even:** Where would you like to go on our first official date?  
**Isak:** Idk anywhere is fine. Maybe SnillBjørnen? We've been there before  
**Even:** Hmmm that could work  
**Isak:** And besides, from what I remember you didn't drink all their fancy sweet cocktails. I believe you wanted to get through their ENTIRE drinks menu  
**Even:** Oh yeah! But this is a date, Isak I have to be sober  
**Isak:** ??its fine if you drink haha  
I'm just happy to be with you  
**Even:** Aww

 

***

 

Next Friday after work Isak finds himself back in his room, right in front of the closet staring at all his clothes. Every time he looks at his shirts they just feel wrong to him and he doesn't know why. He just wants to look nice. Like, really nice. He's never been this nervous before, or obsessed over his clothes but then again he's never been on a date with someone he actually likes this much so.. It makes sense to stress. 

Isak rifles through his pile of relatively clean jeans and picks out some black skinny jeans, turning behind to toss them on the bed. He looks up at his shirts, pushing the hangers to and fro for something nice. 

He stares at his simpsons shirt before shaking his head. Even's already seen him in it before and he doesn't want to look like a proper dork so he keeps searching. He finally chooses a gray button down that he wore for Christmas last year. He pulls on a moderately clean _lue_ and opens his bedroom door, walking down the hallway towards the front door. The last thing he wants is to get sick. 

He pulls on his coat and wraps up his scarf, grabs his keys and walks out the door. 

 

When he sees Even leaning against the brick walls of the restaurant fiddling with his phone and a nervous look across his face Isak instantly relaxes. It's nice to know he's not the only one worried about this, their first _date_. Crazy how less than a week ago Even accused him of being a heterosexual and a huge player; he still doesn't know which offends him more. 

He takes a deep breath to settle any residual nerves and walks up to Even

Isak feels Even slowly grab his hand, his thumb making circles around his palm. He looks down to see how well they fit together and its...nice. Pleasant butterflies swirl throughout his body and he looks up at Even and smiles. They haven't even started their date yet but Isak is already blissfully happy and if Even could keep doing this, keep holding his hand, he'd be a lucky man. 

Even bites his lip to try and contain his own giddy smile but Isak can tell he's already failing. Even clears his throat, tilting his head towards the door, "Skal vi gå inne?" 

Isak nods and makes his way inside, holding the door open for Even as well. He and Even must be on the same wavelength now after all the misconceptions because they both requested to the waitress to seat them at a booth, and they both ordered the same appetizers. It's clearly meant to be. He tells Even this and feels satisfied when a dopey smile crosses his face. "It's crazy because I felt like I ruined my chance of being with you. Y'know, because of all the confusion?" 

Isak huffs out a somewhat amused laugh, "I still can't believe you thought I was straight." 

Even hums thoughtfully, "In my defense, you do wear a lot of snapbacks." 

Isak rolls his eyes fondly, "Gays can wear snapbacks, Even." 

"That's true, but bisexuals can't. I mean, I've tried all sorts of hats and they just don't seem to work out for me." He sadly begins sipping on his bright orange martini. 

Isak gently pats his hand, "Maybe that's just an individual problem you have and it's not like, indicative of all bisexuals." 

"Maybe." Even shrugs, "I still think it's an issue often ignored in our community though.” Isak snorts in reply but let's it go. 

Twenty minutes into their date and it was still going pretty well. Even told funny jokes inbetween sipping various sweet cocktails and at one point Isak snorted so hard his pad tie went down the wrong pipe and he coughed loudly and violently for almost a full minute. 

Things went downhill when Isak's own insecurities came back. Even had been in the middle of telling a story of Mikael daring him to drink three beers in a row before attempting cross country skiing when a feeling popped up in his brain. His chest felt like a crocheted pillow with a loosely tied string on the end and someone had slowly began to unravel him, leaving him raftless and exposed. He mentally scanned through his calendar of the last time he had a full on depressive episode only to realize it was a while ago. 

Which meant that it was now long overdue. 

He tried to ignore the random cold pangs that crept up his ribcage at odd moments; smiling or nodding at Even, trying to give the illusion of normalcy. It felt like tendrils of cold vines were slowly tying around his chest but he was used to this feeling. He took a few sips of his beer, determined to not let his sour brain chemistry ruin his good time. 

When the waitress brought out their second appetizer of fried mac and cheese balls and a small fruity drink for Even he tried to push down the feelings creeping in by talking about the newest episode of Hotel Paradise. Turns out Even was obsessed with the show to the point of rewatching each episode for things he might've missed the first time he saw it. While Even talked about his favorite and least favorite characters Isak picked at the one mac and cheese ball on his plate. He hummed or nodded when it felt right in the moment but he was drifting farther and farther away from the dimly lit booth in the restaurant. And after some time had passed they packed up their leftover food, split the bill, and headed for the tram. 

Even had quietly asked if Isak preferred they both go to their own apartments but Isak shook his head; he may have been feeling a bit off towards the end of their date but that didn't mean he wanted Even to _leave_. He enjoyed his company and when he quietly told Even that, a small smile crossed his face. 

The tram ride back to Isak's place was quiet but content, at least from Isak's point of view. He watched the buildings outside slowly pass, their shadows shifting in colors from the various lightbulbs and hanging lights. He always thought the city looked better at night, it felt more surreal. 

Once they finally made it inside the kollektiv and took off their shoes and winter gear Isak grabbed Even's wrist and guided him into Isak's room. He turned on the bedside lamp once he sat down and turned to look at Even standing near the closed door, still looking a bit skittish. 

"Come over?" Isak asked quietly. 

Even nodded and walked closer, gently laying on his side to look up at him. "Kose now?" He asked. 

Isak smiled, laying down to shuffle closer to Even. "Kose now." 

 

*

 

Isak stares at the wall, his eyes drifting in and out of focus. It's getting harder to not be lulled to sleep and drift out into unconsciousness especially with Even gently running his fingers through his hair. But he fights through his body desperately wanting sleep to bravely ask, "Do you want to know a secret?" He whispers it so quietly and he wouldn't be surprised if Even hadn't heard him. In another universe he would have asked Isak to repeat himself, and the bravery would have melted out of every molecule in his body. He would have pretended to be asleep and avoid the subject altogether but luckily, or unluckily, Even had heard him and answered back. 

"Does it have anything to do with what happened today?" His giant hand still overwhelmingly gentle on his scalp. 

Isak nods. And feels Even lean in, whispering onto the back of his neck "You can tell me." 

He hums in response and immediately turns over to face Even's open, curious face. A moment of bravery spikes in his gut as the words tumble out of him. "I have a problem with food." 

"What do you mean?" Even looks confused but still just as gentle and inviting. It makes Isak feel calmer, like he can get the words out. 

He continues, "Sometimes I get," he looks down, suddenly nervous, and fiddles with a stray thread on his bedsheet. "Sometimes I lose my appetite." He dares a glance up into Even's kind eyes, his large hand gently stroking his wrist in comfort. Isak closes his eyes and breathes out. Fuck it. He might as well just say it. 

"Whenever I feel tired or, _sad_ or whatever, my appetite is just gone. And whenever I feel down I just don't want to eat anything. I don't know, it's kind of hard to explain." He bites his lip when he feels Even shift on the bed and holds his face in his large hands. Isak nervously looks into Even's kind blue eyes, warm affection across his features. Even looks earnest as he quietly asks if he can hug him. 

When Isak nods yes, he sees Even move his long arms to fold Isak gently into his space. It's so warm and comforting to hide himself on Even's chest and he feels reverberations when Even asks if he was sad earlier today on their date. Isak freezes and considers lying before relaxing his body and deciding to just be honest. 

"Yes," he whispers in the space between Even's shirt. 

"Why?" 

He sighs deeply and shrugs. "I don't know. I guess I was so nervous that the more you got to know me the more you'd realize that - I'm a fake," he mumbles. A mantra replays in his head over and over again. _Not good enough, Not good enough, Not good enough_. 

But Even doesn't need to know that, does he? He doesn't need to know how sometimes when Isak is a hairsbreadth away from being pulled underwater, in the self deprecating compartments of his mind, the mantra plays over and over again like a broken record. He sometimes teeters on the edge between mindless functioning, his body switching off his emotions just to make it through the day, and sinking into it; his body folding in on itself for days until the only things he sees is black and white. Everything dull and gray, no colors in sight. 

He feels Even mumble a question into his hair, "Do you really think that about yourself? That you're a fake?" 

Isak shrugs a little. "I dunno." 

There's silence in the room. And then...

"Isak," Even says, warmth in his voice, "You're the most genuine person I know." He starts to shake his head but Even refutes him, stronger this time, more intensity in his voice. "No, you are. I'm not just saying it to be nice." He leans back, trying to catch Isak's eyes as he says, "You are a good person." 

It's everything Isak has wanted to hear but too much to try and process right now, at least while still in his emotional state. All he's ever wanted was to be a good person. He glances a look up into Even's blue eyes and his kind smile, nodding fast to convey that he understands. 

Even nods back, pulling Isak back into his chest. He drifts asleep feeling better than he has in months. 

 

"It's okay to get help you know," Even mumbles inbetween the small space of the both of them; laying on their sides facing each other on the same pillow. It's been a few weeks of this, of them being together. Even is always so soft and gentle with him and compassionate, and it still surprises him almost daily, the care he has for him. 

"There's nothing wrong with seeing somebody," he gently runs his fingers through Isak's hair for the umpteenth time before continuing, "We don't have to go through life alone." 

Isak bites his lip and looks past Even at the window behind him. It's nearly six am and the sky is a light blue, still dark but gradually becoming brighter as the minutes past. There's a soft glow from the early morning sky and the shadows in his room make the scenery seem like something akin to magic. He glances back at Even looking at him curiously. "So what do you think about that?" 

Isak shrugs. He's never thought about therapy in a serious way. It always seemed like something so far away. Therapy sounded like a far away concept - something one would see in movies or tv shows. He doesn't know anyone who goes to a therapist, not even his mom. That's definitely someone who would need therapy, but Isak? 

He hears Even take a big breathe and say, "I see a therapist sometimes." 

"Really?" 

Even nods. "There's no shame in admitting you need help. Or just simply talking to someone and like, venting, it's really good." 

Isak picks at a loose thread on his long sleeved shirt. "I vent to the guys sometimes." 

"Yeah, but about this?" 

Isak doesn't respond. 

He thinks Even picks up on how Isak is tired of talking because he feels his long arms pull him back into his chest. Isak begins to mull over Even's advice from the safety of his warm chest. Maybe there's nothing wrong with acknowledging he needs help. He thinks about how this problem has escalated to something seemingly out of his control but Even's right, it's not entirely hopeless. He just might be able to get through this, to fight it out. The thought is comforting as he shuffles even closer on his kjæreste's chest. 

Quiet settles over them as they wait for the sun to rise. 

 

**3 months later**

Isak unlocks the door to the kollektiv, quickly toes off his shoes by the shoe rack and heads towards the kitchen. The scent of oregano and basil waft through the air and he tries his best to tamper down the thought of he and Even possibly getting their own place. _It's too soon_ , he tries to convince himself. He doesn't want to disrupt the good thing they've got going on. 

Even texted him while he was on the tram to let him know he was making spaghetti for everyone. And now as Isak stands here watching his tall, beautiful boyfriend cook for him and his makeshift family he feels himself falling more and more in love with him. "Hey," he smiles. 

When Even turns to look at him, he sees a bright smile grace his face before turning back to stirring a pot on the stove. "Hey, I'm glad you're here. You can help me dice the green peppers." 

Isak scoffs walking to the sink to wash his hands, "Is that what I am to you? Your kitchen boy?" 

Even raises his eyebrows up and down comically and Isak laughs out. He can't believe he's dating such a dork. While he begins to slice the sides of the peppers Even flirts, "That could be kind of hot. You'd look good in an apron." 

"Ugh whatever." Even leans over to kiss his cheek. "So how did therapy go?" 

"Fine I guess," he mumbles down at the now thinly sliced peppers on the cutting board." He feels Even bump his shoulder in understanding and his heart bursts with how silent but supportive Even can be. He never pushes too hard. 

He thinks about how his therapist said he should be more open with people, and who better to be open with than Even? Swallowing down the anxiousness he feels and taking a deep breath helps clear his mind of any potential doubts. He clears his throat, "I uh, my therapist thinks I'm making progress with my anti depressants." 

"Yeah?" Even asks gently, adding salt and pepper to the pot. 

"Yeah, she noted how I talk less negatively about myself." 

"That's great Isak. That's really really great." 

Isak nods quickly before changing the subject, "Anyways how're you doing? Is Mikael still keeping you guys in the woods at night?" 

Even blows out an annoyed sigh, "He's lucky we're best friends and have known each other for most of our lives otherwise I would've quit ages ago. I mean, I love the outdoors too but like -" 

"-You don't want to be eaten by a wolf?" 

"Exactly!" Even laughs, "I'm too pretty to die at the hands of a land mammal." 

Isak nods in utmost seriousness. "Of course. The only acceptable death at the hands of an animal is a shark, or maybe a really cool octopus." 

"You should tell Mikael that. Although to be fair I don't think an endangered animal like a wolf particularly cares about humans." Isak hums in consideration. 

When the peppers are chopped, the sauce seasoned, the lentils cooked, and the pasta softened Even goes about mixing everything into a serving pan while Isak sets the table, placing plates and a knife and fork on the table five timer. 

He sits at his usual place on the end corner only this time Even can sit down with him. It's only been a few months of this, of them being together but it's still so nice every time Even can come over to his and eat a meal with him; the two of them holding hands under the table. It's so sickeningly sweet and Isak is reminded of his past bitter self who would have never guessed this was in the cards from him. He used to look at love and relationships as a far away idea; something abstract and only available at an older age with grating temples and frown lines. He's changed so much lately he can hardly recognize it and most of it has been because of how kind and supportive Even has been with him on his journey of healing. 

Isak smiles at Even and pulls out his phone to text Eskild

**Isak:** dinner's ready  
**Eskild:** you made it? all by yourself baby gay? I'm so proud *crying emoji*  
**Isak:** fucking hell Eskild  
**Isak:** lol no Even did  
**Eskild:** *three heart eye emojis*  
**Isak:** hey no stop that  
**Isak:** hurry or it'll get cold  
**Isak:** so go text your other "baby birds" that its ready  
**Eskild:** *yellow heart emoji*  
**Isak:** *yellow heart emoji*

When Even sits down beside him and runs his fingers through his somewhat tangled hair Isak scrunches his nose in faint protest. "No don't," he says, waving his hand halfheartedly. "I gotta wash my hair." 

Even hums thoughtfully, pushing some of his hair behind Isak's ear, "Maybe I could help you with that."

Isak huffs out a laugh, rolling his eyes fondly at his boyfriends antics. "You're such a goddamn dork." 

"Wait, what? I'm a _what_ , Isak?" Even asks, clutching his chest in fake heartbreak. "I can't believe I'm getting so verbally attacked. And after I was such a good boyfriend making you and all of your roommates dinner." He finished the dramatics by wiping a fake tear from his face. 

Isak rolls his eyes again but subtly leans towards his boyfriend. He quietly takes back his earlier insult, "I guess you're okay." 

"Yeah?" Even mumbles into his cheek before turning to press their lips together. After a few minutes they slightly break apart and Isak whispers into the space between them.

"Yeah, you're definitely okay." He promises. 

**fin.**

**Author's Note:**

> Wow so this is my first ever skam fic! Incredible! I’ve written fics in other fandoms but I decided to try a shot at writing for the SKAM universe and challenged myself to write in time for SBB and I’m glad that I did. There’s so much I want to say about where the idea came from to write this story but I’m worried I’ll ramble too much on here so I’ll probably write a post explaining it on my tumblr at sunnyharley. To keep it brief a few scenes popped in my head and stayed lodged in until I finally decided I had to write it out. I know the concept may seem random or strange to some people but in some ways I could really relate to Isak’s canon experiences and match it with my own (even if we handled life’s difficulties in different ways). 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed the fic and feel free to follow my tumblr. Don’t be a stranger!


End file.
